I'm Still Here—Flaws and All

Wow, it's been a long time. Guess I haven't had much to say over the past year. Now I do.

I’m not perfect! That was challenging to write, but it is true and bit by bit I’m coming into a place of acceptance of that fact. Not that I ever really believed I was or could be perfect. It’s more that I felt I had to try to be or at least present an air of perfection. Slowly, moment by moment, I’m learning to let that go and accept that I, as do most of us, have flaws—little quirks and idiosyncrasies that may possibly even annoy others and give them cause (in their opinion) to think badly of me, but which also make me..gasp!... human. Oh well!

No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, sometimes I just don't always have the answer. Heck, there are times I do seemingly "stupid" things. And there are times when I’m not a “good” person the way some judge “good” people from so-called “bad” ones. There are times I feel angry and act on it. Sometimes I can feel outright malevolent. Sometimes I feel sad and actually shed rivers of tears. Sometimes I feel insecure, impatient, confused, awkward, etc., etc. And sometimes, I do feel perfect! Perfectly me!

This is a huge breakthrough for me as most of my life since I can remember, I've always felt like I had to be perfect. For years, I aspired to some vague and constantly changing ideal of perfection. I always had to do the right or say the right thing. Wear the right clothes. Go to the right schools. Hold the right job. Hang out with the right people—never truly certain who exactly determined the criteria for what is "right."

I can honestly say that all this striving for perfection has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. Now, I just want to be comfortable being. I want to allow myself to fully experience me in every moment—through every feeling, every emotion, every action—without judgment. I want to be okay having a bad hair day, making an inelegant step, stuttering my way through a sentence, or making a... WAIT. FOR. IT... a grammatical error. (I'm sure there are more than a few in this blog! Don't even bother to point them out.) I simply want to enjoy every moment with myself, just being myself whether happy or sad, angry or joyful, impatient or patient, insensitive or compassionate, selfish or selfless, enthusiastic or exhausted, resolute or uncertain, fearful or faith-filled, passionate or subdued, whatever the case may be.

This doesn't mean I'm no longer going to make an effort to be, do, or look my best. It only means that I have decided to be kinder to myself and stop beating myself up whenever I feel I didn't quite hit target.

At the end of the day, I’m just one more person trying to figure out how to live the best, most enjoyable, most amazing life—whatever that looks like—for me. If you don't judge me, I'll promise to not judge you.