I was somewhere I didn't really want to be having spent the evening before, and the previous few days, fulfilling a responsibility I wish to high heaven I didn't have to for my sake and that of my parents. Sounds selfish, even feels selfish, but I felt trapped, like a caged bird—desperate to take flight, explore the world and the infinite space among the clouds if only I could get out of this cage. It was easier six years ago when this all began, helping to care for my parents, but their needs have changed and my life has suffered in ways I couldn't have even imagined.
Have you ever heard that saying that God doesn't put on us more than we can bear? Well, I say BS. This is too much!!
My niece sent me a birthday IM. I shared with her a little of my pain, which made me feel a bit better. Her words of encouragement even a little more.
After summoning the strength to finish getting dressed, I then set the intention to find some way to enjoy my special day, or rather, choose to experience joy. Moment by moment throughout the day, even as the tears still came and I let them, I determined to lay aside stressful, worried, anxious, and fearful thoughts and frustrations, if only for today. It wasn't easy. A phone call from my realtor with less than good news immediately triggered me, and I could hear the voices in my head condemning me for my latest disaster and screw up.
But it's my birthday. This is the one day I should be allowed to enjoy—the one day in which I experience wonderful things happening. The one day where everything in the cosmos align to show me love. The one day I'm free to celebrate me!
So, I enjoyed my free ice cream courtesy of Baskins Robbins. I enjoyed my free frappucino courtesy of Starbucks. I enjoyed a really nice Mediterranean salad and even had some popcorn—a rare treat. I was overwhelmed by the tons of lovely birthday wishes and blessings I received in the form of texts and Facebook posts!! I relaxed with a few good reads and slowly began to realize that I had not only stopped crying, but I was actually smiling and feeling happy.
It was then I decided that I have the right to experience joy every day and that today really is my birth day as I am choosing this day to mark the beginning of a new, exciting, happier, and more fulfilling life. I am fully committing to being who I choose to be, going after what I want, doing the things that I enjoy, and living life on my terms without apology. This bird is breaking free of her cage and all the limitations it's imposed.
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