I decided to spend the evening reading as that helps me relax and came across an article about people's seeming obsession with transformation. According to the writer, the vast majority of people on this earth are in constant search for ways to improve or evolve ourselves, particularly those of us in Western countries. Judging by the number of self-help books on Amazon, I believe it. I own more than my share of them. How about you?
We desire to be bigger, stronger, smarter, prettier, better, more evolved, more enlightened and remain ever on the look out for the more enlightened and greater person, thing, entity “out there” that is going to save us from our "pathetic" selves. Teach us, show us how we can finally be good enough, great enough, worthy of breath. This is our constant cry.
The writer also suggests that our obsession with becoming something better than what we already are is possible only because we’ve been trained NOT to recognize the greatness already within us.
Having eyes, see ye not? and having ears, hear ye not? and do ye not remember? Mark 8:18After reading this article, it became clear to me that my current state—one of feeling powerless, anxious, and worried—is a direct result of forgetting the greatness within, of forgetting who I am.
When I was a junior in college, I learned that my oldest brother had been diagnosed with brain cancer and was in the hospital on the campus of the college I was attending. I made a point of visiting with him every day during his stay to keep him encouraged and because I wanted to be with him. I very much enjoyed those visits with my brother as did he, although sometimes he and the nurses would have to throw me out as I would hang out well past visiting hours.
My junior year in college was not my best year. I recall experiencing much stress on a lot of levels, especially academically. I was struggling in four of the five classes I had taken the first semester of that year and in danger of failing two of them. I had always considered myself to be an excellent student and quick learner—heck, I made Dean's list my first four semesters of college—so when I found myself in danger of failing two classes, my self-esteem plummeted. Back then and occasionally now, I had this limiting belief as many others do that our value as humans lies in what we do and what we accomplish. It does not.
There was one day during this time I felt so despondent that I decided to drop out of college. I had concluded, based on my classroom challenges, that I simply wasn’t good enough or smart enough for college. My classmates seemed to be having a much easier time than me.
And that evening when I went to visit with my brother, he immediately sensed something was wrong because he asked mere moments after I sat down, "What's wrong?" Not wanting him to worry, I determined to pretend that all was well and gave him my fake “everything’s lovely” smile and assured him I was fine. He was not convinced and insisted I spill it. “I can see it in your eyes,” I remember him saying. So I spilled it—every fear and anxiety about not being good enough, or smart enough, or worthy enough to graduate. About not deserving to have even been accepted to college in the first place.
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It was nearly 30 years ago that my brother spoke those words to me. There was more to that conversation such as him telling me how much he loved and admired me and me telling him the same, and him assuring me that I deserved to be any place I chose to be.
After taking a brief respite from classes with my dean's blessings, I graduated from college—the first of my siblings to do so. Most of my immediate family was at the ceremony, including my oldest brother who had called the night before to say he couldn’t make it because of a speaking engagement he’d previously committed to. He was the first member of my family that I spotted after the ceremony had ended. In fact, he pulled me out of the recessional to give me another big hug. He wasn’t even slightly impressed with the princess wave I gave him trying to look cool in front of my equally as ecstatic classmates as we were walking back to the registrar's building. One year and nearly three months after my graduation, my oldest brother passed away. I have missed his calming presence in my life ever since.
“There is greatness inside you; don’t ever forget it.”
Thirty years ago, my brother saw in me something I couldn't even imagine. And he was right, I couldn't see it then as I was much too busy being pitiful. Even now I feel challenged to see it, but I am beginning to see it. More and more each day, I am realizing who I am.
In life we face many challenges, many of them because of our own actions, our own choices, not knowing who we really are. Yet no matter how painful, frightening, or insurmountable are challenges may seem—they are not intended to break us or prove how pitiful and helpless we are. They are intended to prove to us the greatness we are. No need to evolve; no need to become better. I am already enough. All that is required is for me to allow myself to BE.
Thanks for the reminder big brother!
"What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet…" - Psalm 8:4-6
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson, author of "Return to Love"
“Know Thyself” written on the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi
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