Pay Attention

"You cannot serve two masters. In any moment you are either moving TOWARDS or AWAY from the things you desire based on what you focus your attention on most of the time." – Dr. Robert Anthony 

Some years ago I contemplated writing a blog, Musings of a Scattered Mind. At the time I felt and often still feel as if my mind is scattered about in a thousand different places at once—bouncing around from one thought or idea to the next one to the next one and back again. When I was very young, my parents and older siblings were constantly chiding me "Donna, be still, pay attention!"

As I grew older, I assumed it was just my nature to be unfocused, easily distracted and scattered in thought. Concentrating on a single thing at a time seemed hard work for me, if not impossible.That's the story I told myself. I'm realizing now it doesn't have to be my truth and, in fact, wasn't ever really.

Having invested several years now in studying the teachings of metaphysical and spiritual teachers like Neville Goddard and Joseph Murphy and having gained a better understanding of the importance of developing focus, particularly on your aims, it's clear to me why I’ve often felt throughout much of my life that I’ve been bouncing all over the place. I have been—my life, my actions, my behavior have been following the bouncing balls that are my scattered thoughts, the ones I manage to hold fast to, and so many of them contradictory.

It's rather like dancing. In whatever direction I focus my attention (not my eyes, there's a subtlety of dance that requires you focus your attention independent of your physical vision), that’s the direction in which my body moves. If for even one half-second I lose focus on where it is I’m going or desiring to go, I will begin almost immediately moving in another direction entirely causing me to misstep or lose my footing completely and step or fall into my dance partner. Not fun for either one of us (not usually, LOL!).

To be fair to myself, my thoughts aren’t always scattered. There have been, and are, times when I’m able to maintain laser-like focus on a single thing—project, idea, aim—for an extended period without being diverted. There have been moments when I've set out to accomplish something and I'm like a pit bull with a bone. What I’ve noticed is that it is usually those times when I am my most successful and able to achieve precisely what I’ve set out to.

Just this past summer, I lost 20 lbs in just over two months because I was doggedly determined to do so. No matter what the scale read or what I perceived I saw in the mirror, I refused to entertain any thoughts other than "I easily and effortlessly maintain my ideal body weight."

Also to be fair to myself, I know that I’m not alone in entertaining a myriad of scattered thoughts. These days, the ability to multi-task is a highly praised skill. It shouldn’t be.

I used to brag about my multi-tasking prowess as it seemed I was able to accomplish quite a lot of different things at once. The belief being that I was getting more done in less time. However, the question remains: “how well was I, are you, accomplishing these tasks?” Is the end result of the same quality as it might be if we simply focused completing one thing before moving on to the next?

And what of scattered thoughts? Why does it make sense to us that we can scatter our thoughts and energy across even opposing ends and still achieve our desires?

I want to be slim and healthy, yet my mind bounces from being healthy and slim to being out-of-shape and unhealthy. (Exactly what I was doing before I decided to focus solely on slim and healthy, and then lost 20 lbs). I want to live an abundant, opulent life, yet my thoughts bounce from being abundant to "I can't afford" and “why is everything so expensive” and back again.

Other writers on the subject of mind and thoughts have suggested that we have somewhere between 30,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day, most of them random, covering not just recent events, fears, anxieties, joys, or pleasures, but events and non-events throughout the entirety of our lives. Ever have a moment when out of the nowhere you had thought of a song you hadn’t heard since you were five? Ever ask yourself "why"?

While I certainly don’t expect, nor would I attempt, to control 30,000-plus thoughts passing through my mind, I can absolutely choose the ones on which to fix my attention. I can certainly choose to maintain laser-like focus on what I am wanting and disregard anything that doesn't align with that.

Scattered thoughts and attention equal a scattered life, which is why I’m willing to accept as my truth Dr. Robert’s quote about serving to masters that I included at the beginning of this post. Jesus said it this way:

“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.” 

Which ever thoughts you choose to give your constant attention are the ones that you love and the ones that you will serve. Choose wisely.

As for me, I’m reigning in my scattered mind and expecting my external world to follow suit as I give primary attention to my dreams and aims.

Saying Good-Bye to 2017!

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
– Henry David Thoreau

Today is the last day of 2017, marking the end of one cycle of my life and the beginning of another.

Putting the past twelve months behind me with all its setbacks, disappointments and even its successes, I press forward toward the mark of a higher calling in life, more determined than ever to live the life of my dreams and beyond what I can even now imagine.

As I sit here typing and enjoying my peppermint mocha coffee, I am doggedly determined to end the year on an up note having this morning set my day’s intentions. Choosing to disregard appearances, my own fears and anxieties, I am remaining steadfast in faith/knowing that my intentions—today's and future ones—will all be realized in a perfect and wonderful way. “My Father has ways and means ye know not of” to bring my desires to pass.

Looking forward to an amazing, healthy, prosperous, fun-filled 2018!!

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I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:13-14 (NKJV) 

This is what the Lord says—he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.– Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 (NIV)

The Power of Intentions

Intentions are powerful. I realized earlier this week that I’ve been very lax in setting intentions for my day. As a result, I’ve felt like I’m on a ship drifting directionless in the ocean. I'm doing a bunch of stuff, yet I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. So, I’ve recommitted myself to get back into creating my day daily and recording my successes to build faith and trust in the power residing in this earthen vessel.

Today was a prime example. About a week ago I had thought it might be nice to again visit my dad’s grave site at Quantico on today—it was a year ago today that he died—however, I wasn’t sure whether I was up to it or how I might get there. To be honest, I’ve been a bit emotional in the days leading up to Christmas and today even, remembering and still not fully able to make sense of what happened a year ago.

When my younger sister mentioned over the weekend that she was thinking of going and that my older sister wanted to as well, I decided to make my "it might be nice to..." a "yes, I want to do this." I then thought it would be nice to make it a family outing of sorts, including my brother, so mentioned it to him and my sister-in-law, hoping we could make it work. Weather was a factor as snow was predicted. Another seeming challenge was how to make the hour drive easy for my older sister, yet I held fast to my intent/desire to go.

The transportation issue was solved when I realized that my older sister’s van was plenty big enough for all of us to ride in comfort, and I could drive. As for the weather, I received a message last night from my younger sister that the snow had kindly decided to wait until after midnight tonight, if it appears at all.

I awoke this morning not feeling my best and for a brief moment thought I might not be  able to make the trip. But remembering I had set my intention, I remained confident it would work out. I had a chat with my body wherein I expressed how I wanted it to feel, and then went  back to bed for another hour. I awoke feeling fine, just as my sister had arrived. I showered and dressed. Happily when I asked my brother about going, he said “yes.” So, off we went to Quantico with me driving my sister’s van.

It was the perfect moment: the four of us standing at our dad’s grave site, which had already been decorated with a fresh pine Christmas wreath. It was a beautiful and sobering site. My sister laid the silk flowers I’d provided and an American flag on the headstone. She and my brother took pictures while each of us took notice of the other soldiers' headstones all adorned with wreaths, and some with flags, flowers and other items of affection left by their loved ones. And each of us in our own way reminisced about our dad and the day, a year ago, we said goodbye to him.

The drive down and back gave us the opportunity to bond—we laughed and talked about our dad, our mom and an assortment of other things as well as expressed our frustration, anger, and confusion in dealing with some of the hospital and rehab staff and paid caregivers who provided care to our dad during the last six months of his life. It was very healing for me and for the first time I feel ready to move beyond it and get back to living the amazing life I know my dad would want for me.

I have every intention of doing just that as I believe that I deserve an amazing happy life. It is the birthright of every person born into this earth.

“Is anything too hard for God?” has become my daily meditation as there are some situations in my life that feel challenging, yet I, the real I, knows that there is nothing too hard or too wonderful for God to accomplish. In those moments when I feel myself letting go of my intention for an amazing, rich and wonderful life, I remind myself that the same God, Infinite Spirit who created the universe and all that is in it and has for millennia after millennia kept the planets, sun and stars in perfect alignment as they circle around in space is surely more than capable of managing my itty bitty situations (no matter how monumental they might appear to me). To believe otherwise is insulting and rather ridiculous if you seriously think about it.

I may never know why my dad’s life ended when it did—years before he had expressed that he’d wanted it to—yet I believe the possibility for him to have lived as long as he desired and the possibility for him to have been healed of dementia existed and still exists. As my father often sang, “Jesus [the Christ in us] never fails.”

Intentions are powerful when you are willing to believe that anything is possible and, like the woman who approached Jesus for healing for her daughter, refuse to take “no” for an answer.

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Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Mark 11:23

The Price of Fitting In

This morning, I attended a wake/viewing for a long-time friend, someone I had known since I was a very young girl who passed away quite suddenly late last month. Surrounded by other friends from my childhood, I became acutely aware of how out of place I often feel around them and the struggle within myself to make myself fit into a world that I don’t really want to fit into.

There isn’t anything wrong at all with the reality in which my friends live. It works for them. It’s what they know and have come to accept is a “normal” way of life. You put in your 40 hours a week, enduring all manner of situations that annoy you, so you can earn money to buy a car, house, clothes, food, etc. That's how life works, right?

As a treat for your hard work and sacrifice, you spend your down time doing things that feel more fun: watching the latest crop of television programming intended to either entertain or infuriate you, going to the movies, maybe, taking a cruise some place when you have vacation time, provided you have enough money, attending church, or checking out a new or familiar restaurant. If you're married or have a family, you might do something with your partner and kids, or not. You stress about bills, the mortgage, car notes, your spouse and/or kids, and you get together to commiserate about your stupid bosses and co-workers, how your partner or kids are making you nuts, or how challenged you are trying to manage all the cadre of ailments you been diagnosed with.

If it seems I’m being judgmental, I’m not. My friends and family are content with their lifestyles—they’ve chosen it, consciously or unconsciously. Doesn’t matter, they seem content to do what they do.

As for me, I’ve always wanted more, or rather, something vastly different, as “more” implies judgment. Ever since I was a teenager, tween even, I've desired and still desire a different way of being, doing, and living my life. I could see it. I could feel it. It moved me to action on the one hand and terrified me on the other. Try as I might, I haven’t been able to let it go. In my imagination, my daydreams, I saw a preview of what my life could be and I cannot let it go.

As I’m pondering all of this, it hit me—the guilt I’ve been carrying with me since my tween, teenage, years for daring to want to be, do, and experience something different.

I have been that double-minded man spoken of in the Bible who asks yet wavers, attempting to walk the fence or tight rope between two worlds/two lives: the one that I truly want to experience and have long dreamed and continue to dream about—the one that keeps me up some nights and terrifies me—and the one that I think I’m supposed to experience because it’s the life that people like me live and it's "just the way things are." That other life, the one that haunts me, that’s for special people, other people, NOT ME people.

Granted, I have come close to stepping into that life in physical reality, damn close, throughout various periods of my adulthood only to watch it collapse like a stack of cards typically because of my actions. I’m only now realizing in this moment, that it hasn’t been so much my actions causing my dreams to collapse before me but my beliefs about what achieving them might mean for me and for those I care about. What will my friends think of me if I...? My family? My parents’ friends and associates?

I am a minister’s daughter after all and many of the dreams and desires for my life aren’t readily accepted among those in my or my family’s social circle of God-fearing Pentecostal Christians. Nor are they readily accepted as being appropriate or even achievable for members of my ethnic group or among the extended family consisting of the people who live/lived in the neighborhood in which I grew up—the people who have known me since my earliest memories of myself.

Fearing rejection, fearing loss of acceptance from my loved ones and, honestly, fearing the responsibility and the public scrutiny that can come with stepping into the spotlight, I self-sabotage. Trust me, this hasn’t been done consciously. Doesn’t matter though, as the results are the same. Rather than confidently heading in the directions of my dreams, I end up far off in the opposite direction.

If I were writing this five years ago, I would believe it’s part of God’s divine plan—that He is or was the one throwing up roadblocks because He wanted me to go in a different direction. I now know better. It is me and only me stopping me.

I want to be loved and accepted by those I love and care for, but at what price? When is the cost of fitting in and conforming too high? When is the sacrificing of your desires to please others too great? When is contracting oneself to avoid standing out so as not to risk being rejected/cut down by your tribe simply not worth the inner pain and suffering? Really, what does it profit a person (me) to gain the love of the whole world (or at least the people I know in this world) and lose her (my) very soul?

These are the questions plaguing my heart today. Truth, whenever I do that fitting in thing or contracting myself to be more acceptable to others, I always feel this “ick” afterward. I believe it’s my inner self’s way of calling me on my BS—“just stop it!”

I know the life I desire is here for me now; it is only waiting for me to choose it and commit to it. I also know that the universe, my external world, only ever reflects back to me what I am feeling or thinking internally. As long as I continue to believe that pursuing my dreams means being alienated from or rejected by those I love and care about, that will be my reality.

I have a choice to make and a life to live. Now's the time to get on with it. Teetering the fence between two lives is no longer a viable option for me.

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"All denial is self denial." Stuart Lindell, direct student of Neville Goddard

"If you construct in your mind a wall where there actually is none, you will force yourself to behave as though such a wall is actually pervasively in your way." Kidest Om

Disregard Appearances—Believe Only

"When it seems like nothing is happening, that is when everything is happening." - Catherine Ponder 

Believe only. That was today’s inspirational message from Joel Osteen, based upon the story of the Jairus, the man who sought out Jesus to heal his daughter who was gravely ill.

Jesus was interrupted several times on route to Jairus’ home to heal the young girl, and before reaching their destination, they received word it was too late: the girl had died.

But the story doesn't end there. “Believe only,” was all Jesus said to Jairus in one account of the story. “Believe only.” In spite of what you just heard, in spite of what you might even see later, “Believe only.”

Before Jairus himself could even say to Jesus “never mind, Lord, it’s too late,” effectively cancelling his request, he is told to “Believe only.”

“Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of the senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be,” is how Neville Goddard frames it.

I will attest it is so much easier said than done. I am, as most people are, accustomed to judging my circumstances and conditions—whether they’re improving or getting worse or not at all changing—based upon what my five physical senses experience in the external world. It is challenging to accept that my physical senses do not and cannot see the whole truth of what is.

As Paul says: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:18)

Yet that is what I am determined to do—fix my eyes on what I desire to see and experience and disregard any and all things that don’t conform to that ideal. Believe only. Believe only, and even that which is dead can be restored to life.

It is By Grace

Today I learned an important lesson about grace. Yesterday was my birthday and while I was and am grateful to be celebrating another year of life on this planet we call earth, I was feeling a bit down on myself. Just a few days ago I posted about how I am choosing to be my own best friend rather than my own worst enemy and avoid judging myself harshly for faults, real or imagined. Yet yesterday and today I spent a lot of time in a state of forgetfulness of my previous choice, berating myself for not being more successful as I define success and for not having accomplished all that I had hoped to at this stage of life. In fact, a moment ago I was curled up in bed feeling little motivation to do anything in the middle of a day. I was feeling as if my typical buoyant, over-achiever self had run off for parts unknown.

Based on what I’ve been learning about achieving success and deliberately creating a life you love, this is clearly not the way to accomplish either. Neither supposedly is wallowing in negative, low-vibe emotions and thoughts and I was experiencing plenty of those yesterday and today. So, imagine my surprise when in the middle of this negative spiraling, I received the much-needed financial break through I’d been praying for.

I mean, even though I had prayed and was hoping for a miracle, I was feeling desperate and panicked (more low-vibe emotions that are said to repel your good). All kinds of doubts had set in. The voices in my head were continually whispering to me “you’re screwed,” “it’s not going to happen,” “you are not going to get what you want,” “how can you expect to create anything good in this state?” “you know you don’t deserve it.” etc., etc. Yet...

The voices were wrong!! In spite of me, in spite of my mood, in spite of my doubts, I still received the miracle I had asked for. I am truly awed.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Disregarding Appearances

Live your life in a sublime spirit of confidence and determination; disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of the senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be. – Neville Goddard


This journey I’m on feels scary and even lonely at times, yet I’m determined, fiercely so, to get through all of the current drama and step into my preferred reality of abundance, divine health, eternal youthfulness, fun, love, joy, peace, adventure—my life of sheer and utter bliss!!

To paraphrase the main character from one of my favorite movies, Auntie Mame, life’s a banquet serving up all sorts of amazing experiences, but most people are choosing to starve instead, or consume the same lame meal day after day after day.

Not me. I'm choosing to enjoy life's banquet offerings. I'm choosing to be, to feel myself into amazingly exciting experiences and the life of my choice. I’m choosing to believe that my desires and dreams, no matter how outrageous others think them, are not only possible, but already are.

And how will it all come about? I don’t know, but I’m choosing to trust that it’s all happening now. Even in those moments, especially in those moments, when external circumstances suggest it ain’t so.

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"For we walk by faith, not by sight." – 2 Corinthians 5:7 

“You can’t be Average and Amazing – at the same time.” – Mr Twenty Twenty (Life Coach, FreeNeville.com)

Learning to Ask the Right Questions

Never settle for less, don’t ever think it’s too late, and never, ever, ever compromise a dream. – Mike Dooley


I’ve spent the past six months wondering how did I get into the current hot mess of a situation that appears to be my current reality: How did I end up so far removed from my ideal life? Today as I asked the question, I realized I’ve been asking the wrong question. The more empowering question is how do I step into the life I am meant to live, that I aspire to and dream about—the life of joy, abundance, opulence, and beauty that I’ve imagined since I was a child?

Is it really as easy as just changing my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about myself? Is it really as easy as learning to ignore current conditions, circumstances, and appearances, knowing all of it is only the result of past thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and must pass as all things are temporary?

Is it really as simple as just drawing a line in the sand and making a freaking decision to “come out from among them,” meaning to let go of the low-level living and ideas that I’ve settled for and bought into as "truth" and simply step into the abundant, opulent life I’ve dreamed about?

Whenever I think of my dreams, whenever I take the slightest step toward them, feelings of insecurity, of fear, of anxiety, of “not good enoughness,” quickly emerge. They are real to me, they are palpable. I feel them now throughout my body. Yet, rather than believing they are intended to and allowing them to stop me from achieving my dreams, today I choose to see them as gifts telling me that there is more inner work to do. But just because I have more inner work to do to reach that place of feeling more secure and confident—the place of knowing that I have value simply because I am—that doesn’t have to mean that I don’t now get to experience, be, do, or have all the good I choose to experience, be, do, and have.

I am a work in progress; yet my good is mine to claim now.

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"Beloved, now, children of God are we, and it was not yet manifested what we shall be..." (1 John 3:2 - Young's Literal Translation)

15 Life Lessons from Dr. Seuss

Flowerhorn fish I saw at a local aquarium."Hey there, gorgeous!"

I'm a Dr. Seuss fan and have been since, well... before I could read. Among the first Seuss books I remember being exposed to are Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat.

I don't know that I fully grasped the life lessons he was sharing in his books, but they were so much to fun listen to, and eventually read, when I was a child. "I do not like green eggs and ham! I do not like them, Sam-I-am."

Now, whenever I have the chance to share Dr. Seuss' books with the little ones in my life, I do. And I feel as much joy now reading them to children as I did hearing them as a child with the added advantage of being able to appreciate the life lessons they contain.

For a bit of fun and encouragement, here are 15 more of my favorite sayings from the master of storytelling and poetic meter.

My 15 Favorite Seuss-isms

1. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. (From "Oh, the Places You'll Go")


2. You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may!! (From "Green Eggs and Ham")


3. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It is not. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed! (From "The Lorax")  


4. You're off to great places. Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way. (From "Oh, the Places You'll Go!")


5. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent. (From "Horton Hatches the Egg")


6. Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. Every day, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. (From "One fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish")


7. If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good! (From "One fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish")


8. Why fit in when you were born to stand out?


9. It's not about what it is. It's about what it can become. (From "The Lorax")


10. I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! (From "I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew")


11. He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. Maybe, Christmas, he thought doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. (From "How the Grinch Stole Christmas")


12. In the places I go there are things that I see That I never could spell if I stopped with the Z. I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my friends. My alphabet starts where your alphabet ends! (From "On Beyond Zebra!")


13. You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.  


14. Think and wonder. Wonder and think.


15. You find magic wherever you look. Sit back and relax. All you need is a book. (From "The Cat in the Hat") 

For added fun, maybe I'll have some green eggs and ham for breakfast tomorrow. (Such is the magic you can make with food coloring!)

Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

A Magical Moment and A Promise Worth Keeping

"Know that anytime we exercise our imagination lovingly on behalf of another, we're actually and literally mediating God to man. So we can sit quietly in the darkness and listen as though we heard the good report we want to hear." - Neville Goddard


Every day I set about looking for at least one magical moment and one of today's moments is truly special.

I was browsing the Freeneville website to see if the site's creator, Mr. Twenty Twenty, or Neville Goddard offered any insight on channeled teachings, many of which I’m beginning to suspect are loads of BS and not to be fully believed or relied upon. The only article he has posted on the subject is in response to a woman named Theresa who’s mother was suffering from dementia in a way that is/was similar to the experience of my parents. She had asked his insight on whether it was okay to imagine her mother being healed or if she should accept her sickness as some new age teachings suggest because it may be the path by which her mother has chosen to exit this life. Mr. Twenty responded by offering the Neville Goddard quote noted at the beginning of this post, adding that by taking the time to imagine her mother at peace she was giving both of them a gift.

I actually posted a response to the article in September 2013, sharing my own story as follows:

Thank you so much Theresa for sharing your situation with your mom. I had been going through something very similar with my mom (and dad) where she went from being the most pleasant, jovial, sweetest, generous, peaceful and strong woman I know to someone I hardly recognized. Similar to your experience, the words that would come out of her mouth sometimes were hateful and foul. She's complaining and paranoid and the doctors, friends, my siblings kept saying this is something we just have to accept and deal with.

I chose from the beginning, like you, not to accept this, but there were days when I thought I might cave. But, I can see in my mother’s eyes who she desires to be—peaceful, loving, calm, gentle, content, trusting—and I can see her looking for someone to help set her free. And there have been more moments recently where she is the person she wants to be.

Hearing your story and your belief “that it doesn’t have to be this way” and then reading Mr. Twenty Twenty’s response only strengthens my resolve that things don’t have to be the way the doctors say for “all things are possible.” I love the statement of Jesus you mentioned from the Greatest Story Ever Told movie. I think that pretty much sums up the attitude I want to have when I see sickness and lack around me.

Thank you Mr. Twenty Twenty for your teachings on Neville and your response to Theresa. You are helping so many people like us become the people we want to be by holding fast to our dreams for ourselves and those we love until they are fully realized.

My dad had only recently been "diagnosed" as having dementia when I posted the above. I may no longer be able to help him, although I gave it everything I could up until the very end. I clung to hope like a woman adrift in an ocean clings to a life preserver until the rescue ship comes. Even after I received initial word of his death, my inner being still chose to believe the words Jesus spoke at Lazarus’ tomb: “I am the resurrection and the life...” I will continue to believe for my mom: "He sent His word and healed them….”

I needed this magical moment today. So did my mom.

As for the movie quote referenced in my reply, according to Theresa there's a scene in which Jesus heals a blind man and then rebukes an observer for asking what if the man he just healed of blindness wanted to be blind: “the man lives in darkness and while I am on this earth he will see!”

My belief is that Jesus being fully aware of the power within him lived in such a state of perfect faith that sickness simply couldn't exist around him, nor could lack, in the same way that darkness can't exist in the place light is shone.

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"He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions." - Psalm 107:20

"We possess the same Spirit, the same power, the same authority; we don't use it, but we possess it." - My dad, Leon Don King, said in remarks given during a Christmas service held in 2006

"God give unto me the grace to accept the things I cannot change. And grant unto me the power to change the things I cannot accept!" - Richard Bartlett, author of "Matrix Energetics"

You Have Greatness Within

I’ve been in a mood for four days now, and not a good one, or maybe the better choice of words would be "not an ideal one.”

I decided to spend the evening reading as that helps me relax and came across an article about people's seeming obsession with transformation. According to the writer, the vast majority of people on this earth are in constant search for ways to improve or evolve ourselves, particularly those of us in Western countries. Judging by the number of self-help books on Amazon, I believe it. I own more than my share of them. How about you?

We desire to be bigger, stronger, smarter, prettier, better, more evolved, more enlightened and remain ever on the look out for the more enlightened and greater person, thing, entity “out there” that is going to save us from our "pathetic" selves. Teach us, show us how we can finally be good enough, great enough, worthy of breath. This is our constant cry.

The writer also suggests that our obsession with becoming something better than what we already are is possible only because we’ve been trained NOT to recognize the greatness already within us.

Having eyes, see ye not? and having ears, hear ye not? and do ye not remember? Mark 8:18

After reading this article, it became clear to me that my current state—one of feeling powerless, anxious, and worried—is a direct result of forgetting the greatness within, of forgetting who I am.

When I was a junior in college, I learned that my oldest brother had been diagnosed with brain cancer and was in the hospital on the campus of the college I was attending. I made a point of visiting with him every day during his stay to keep him encouraged and because I wanted to be with him. I very much enjoyed those visits with my brother as did he, although sometimes he and the nurses would have to throw me out as I would hang out well past visiting hours.

My junior year in college was not my best year. I recall experiencing much stress on a lot of levels, especially academically. I was struggling in four of the five classes I had taken the first semester of that year and in danger of failing two of them. I had always considered myself to be an excellent student and quick learner—heck, I made Dean's list my first four semesters of college—so when I found myself in danger of failing two classes, my self-esteem plummeted. Back then and occasionally now, I had this limiting belief as many others do that our value as humans lies in what we do and what we accomplish. It does not.

There was one day during this time I felt so despondent that I decided to drop out of college. I had concluded, based on my classroom challenges, that I simply wasn’t good enough or smart enough for college. My classmates seemed to be having a much easier time than me.

And that evening when I went to visit with my brother, he immediately sensed something was wrong because he asked mere moments after I sat down, "What's wrong?" Not wanting him to worry, I determined to pretend that all was well and gave him my fake “everything’s lovely” smile and assured him I was fine. He was not convinced and insisted I spill it. “I can see it in your eyes,” I remember him saying. So I spilled it—every fear and anxiety about not being good enough, or smart enough, or worthy enough to graduate. About not deserving to have even been accepted to college in the first place.

Great Oak from Wallpaper-Gallery.net

My brother listened patiently until I got it all out, and then asked me to sit closer to him, which I did. He leaned over, gave me a big hug, and then looked me straight in the eyes and told me something that has remained in my heart ever since: “There is greatness inside you; don’t ever forget it. You may not see it now, but one day you will.”

It was nearly 30 years ago that my brother spoke those words to me. There was more to that conversation such as him telling me how much he loved and admired me and me telling him the same, and him assuring me that I deserved to be any place I chose to be.

After taking a brief respite from classes with my dean's blessings, I graduated from college—the first of my siblings to do so. Most of my immediate family was at the ceremony, including my oldest brother who had called the night before to say he couldn’t make it because of a speaking engagement he’d previously committed to. He was the first member of my family that I spotted after the ceremony had ended. In fact, he pulled me out of the recessional to give me another big hug. He wasn’t even slightly impressed with the princess wave I gave him trying to look cool in front of my equally as ecstatic classmates as we were walking back to the registrar's building. One year and nearly three months after my graduation, my oldest brother passed away. I have missed his calming presence in my life ever since.

“There is greatness inside you; don’t ever forget it.” 

Thirty years ago, my brother saw in me something I couldn't even imagine. And he was right, I couldn't see it then as I was much too busy being pitiful. Even now I feel challenged to see it, but I am beginning to see it. More and more each day, I am realizing who I am.

In life we face many challenges, many of them because of our own actions, our own choices, not knowing who we really are. Yet no matter how painful, frightening, or insurmountable are challenges may seem—they are not intended to break us or prove how pitiful and helpless we are. They are intended to prove to us the greatness we are. No need to evolve; no need to become better. I am already enough. All that is required is for me to allow myself to BE.

Thanks for the reminder big brother!

---

"What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet…" - Psalm 8:4-6 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson, author of "Return to Love"

“Know Thyself” written on the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi

Appreciating Every Moment

Today marks the four-month anniversary of my dad's death, last December 2016. Although I know my dad will always be with me and a part of who I am, I still miss his physical presence. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss hearing him sing. I miss dancing with him. Yet, I am grateful for the time we did have together and how much he loved me.

Yesterday marks the six-year anniversary of the day my life began anew. It was April 28, 2011, that I underwent what was to become the first of two surgeries to remove my thyroid. A week following the initial surgery, I learned one of the growths that had been removed was cancerous necessitating, at least in my surgeon's and doctor's opinions, the need to remove my entire thyroid. I was/am fortunate. While I have to take medication daily to replace the hormone my body requires but no longer produces on its own without the thyroid, I am healthy and continue to enjoy my life as I did before the surgery, only with a greater appreciation.

The past six years of my life have not been without challenges, no life is. I've experienced what has sometimes felt like more than my share of disappointments, setbacks, and heartbreaks, but I've also had many amazing experiences. For instance, witnessing my niece and nephew graduate from high school and head to college in the same year, dancing in my first national ballroom competition, winning first-place honors at a national ballroom competition, attending the White House Christmas tour for the first time, taking horseback riding lessons, and being treated to a trip to the lake for my birthday. And I know that many more wonderful adventures await me.

So, today I am choosing to celebrate my life and all that I am grateful for. I am profoundly grateful for this day. I am grateful that I am alive to experience all the wonder and majesty and beauty of this earth and universe. I am grateful that I am now strong and healthy, and getting stronger and healthier every day. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for friends. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to spend this evening with friends I haven't seen in a while, sharing a meal and much laughter, simply enjoying each other's presence as we celebrated one of our friend's birthing a new person into this world.

Life is a precious gift—the best one you'll ever get. Cherish every moment of it.

My External World is Only a Mirror—I Can Change What I See

I feel as if I've spent lot of time today, a lot of time this week, in meditation. Not always sitting still, sometimes I go for meditative walks in nature. I've learned over the years that it's easy for me to quiet my thoughts or even become aware of my thoughts while walking. For me, taking a walk through a nearby park, or at the lake, and especially the beach, almost immediately bring on a sense of calm.

I am learning to take note of my feelings and emotions in any moment. It's the first step to being able to direct them so they no longer control me. I no longer wish to let myself be triggered into negative thinking or negativity by external circumstances or other people. As I become more aware of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and notice what I also happen to be experiencing in my external environment, I am coming to accept as true the teachings of people like Neville Goddard, Joseph Murphy, Genevieve Behrend—that something in me is the cause of my experiences; rather than my experiences being the cause of what's happening within me.

Like the apostle Paul, I make no claims to have apprehended all that there is to know and understand about life/human existence, nor do I claim to be at all times in full control of my behavior, thoughts, or emotions. Yet, I do daily make the effort to remove my focus from any past mistakes or unpleasant events, and focus on what I am thinking, feeling, and experiencing in the moment. And if I notice or feel that I have lost focus of the person I choose to be at that moment or the goals/dreams I choose to accomplish, I make the necessary shifts to get back into alignment.

It isn’t easy. There are certain people and/or situations I encounter or have encountered that I allow to trigger me to feel all sorts of ick!—sad, irritated, panicked, upset, angry, frustrated, ashamed, guilty. Heaviness might be a better word, since "bad" connotes judgment, and I've also decided I no longer want to eat of the tree of good and evil by living in judgment. There are some events I've experienced in my past that I may likely always react to with heavier emotions if I decide to dwell on them. But I do prefer to experience lighter feelings like joy, peace, calm, assurance, etc. For some events, like the death of my oldest and youngest brothers, one of my nephews, and, most recently, my dad, I am learning to shift focus more quickly away from their deaths and feelings of loss to all the wonderful experiences I shared with them during their life time here, in this realm. Much lighter.

In any event, my mother, whom I love dearly, just happens to be among those people who  seem to trigger heavy emotions in me, sometimes. My reaction to her words or actions was like a reflex; until about a week or so ago when I realized I can choose to respond differently. I can choose to laugh. I can choose to sing a song. I can choose anything other than "ick."

To be honest, this isn't a new realization, I just haven't consistently been exercising my right to make that choice in those instances when the opportunity arose. And that's okay, because there are times when I do like feeling pissed off! I fully appreciate my humanity as much as my spiritual nature. But joy does feel so much better/more joyful/lighter and it helps to draw myriad wonderful experiences into my life.

This week, in addition to choosing a different response, I am choosing to address the cause and ask: “What in me is creating what I am experiencing in relationship to her?”

Much like a mirror reflects back to us our physical form, the people we encounter and the experiences or circumstances we encounter—the ones we like and the ones we don’t—are only reflecting back to us who we are within, our state of being. Whatever we see or don’t see is revealing something to us about ourselves. In his book, The Law and the Promise, Neville Goddard writes:

To attempt to change circumstances before you change your imaginal activity, is to struggle against the very nature of things. There can be no outer change until there is first an imaginal change. Everything you do, unaccompanied by an imaginal change, is but futile readjustment of surfaces.

I suppose then that you can liken attempts to change your external world without first changing your internal world, to attempting to change the image you see in the mirror, or a photo of yourself, rather than changing physical body both are reflecting. From a practical standpoint, changing the mirror image is simply impossible; changing the photo delusional unless it’s your intent to use the altered photo as visual motivation to get to work changing your physical body. And there are hosts of metaphysical teachers, including Neville, who would argue that you can never hope to permanently change even your physical body until you truly change the image of it you have within. Because I have personal experience with this, I agree.

Getting back to my mother or anyone else who I allow or have allowed to trigger my heavy emotions, this evening as I sat and meditated, I felt grateful for the opportunity to see what's really lurking within me as revealed through my mom. That which I am aware of about myself, I can easily change, if I choose, by changing my thoughts and feelings about myself. That which I am not aware of, I have no possibility of changing.

This may seem difficult to believe, it was for me when I first heard it and I still struggle with it, but external factors—other people, circumstances, events—are never really the cause of how you feel. You are.

---

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Wayne Dyer

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." Carl Jung

Worthy or Unworthy—Who Cares?

Let's settle something in your/my psyche once and for all: Worthiness is not a requirement for you to experience any of the good you desire.

Some years ago, I remember my mom speaking in church one Sunday about how God causes the sun to shine on the evil and the good, and lets the rain fall on the just and unjust alike. It’s in the Bible, really. (Matthew 5:45) Anyway, the basic premise of her message that Sunday morning was that goodness, abundance, and great blessings are daily available to all. Much like the sun rays, all you have to do is soak it in, as much as you want. (BTW: Sunlight is an excellent natural source of vitamin D, just don’t over do it. My own doctor suggests I spend about 15 to 20 minutes in direct sunlight before slathering on the SPF. Natural sunlight is also a great mood enhancer.)

So many times we unknowingly block our blessings and goodness because of issues concerning our worth. Think about it. How many times have you been gifted with something you deem extravagant, and your first reaction is: "Oh, you shouldn't have?" Or, how many times have you struggled just this week to accept even a simple compliment like “You look beautiful today” or “you’re such a good cook,” without feeling uneasy or compelled to explain all the reasons why you’re unworthy of such praise? “Thank you, your so kind, but I don’t deserve it.” Maybe you didn’t, but I guarantee you probably also didn’t deserve/earn all of the crap you’ve experienced in your life either. So, get over it!

Worthy or unworthy—who cares? Just accept the gifts and blessings when they come. Allow yourself to experience and enjoy all the good you desire. I intend to.

And as a final note: The quickest way to open yourself up to a bevy of goodness that you just don’t deserve (so say you) is to let go of judgments about other people deserving or not deserving the great blessings and goodness flowing into their lives. MYOB!

Demonstrating Real Strength

I discovered the following quote on the Internet several months ago and it really resonated with me. Still does.

What is the Most Important Thing About Me?

I borrowed the title for this post from a lecture given by Neville Goddard that I was listening to you this evening. It’s among one of my favorites. He shares about a woman who wrote to him of a vision in which she was taking a test and asked the question: What is the most important thing about me? 

I pondered the answer myself as I listened and reached the same conclusion as the woman of whom Neville spoke: I AM! 

To the unenlightened this might sound like an egotistical claim; however, the truth is that before I, or you, can be anything, do anything, have anything, or create anything in this world, we must first BE. The most important thing about you and me is that we exist—we simply are. Sit with that thought for just a moment. How does it make you feel? I live. I move. I have being. I have awareness. How wonderful is that?

Hear more of what Neville has to say about your wonderful I AMness.

Child of Grace

A few weeks ago, I was reading an e-book by Pam Grout, author of E² and the sequel E³, both of which I enjoyed, about the importance of exploring and using our creative aspects. The book, Create or Die, suggests really cool exercises for flexing your creative muscles.

One of her suggested exercises was to create a title for your autobiography. The exercise didn’t require you write the autobiography, unless you wanted to, only to come up with what you would consider a clever and appropriate way to describe to your life. I came up with a few, but none really wowed me or seemed to fully capture the essence of who I believe myself to be or how I would describe my life, if I were going to craft my autobiography.

Today, while out and about enjoying the beautiful spring day, I decided to reach out to one of my former neighbors just to say "hello" and let her know I was thinking of her. I had intended to stop by for a visit since I was near my old neighborhood, but when she didn’t answer her phone I returned to my mom’s house.

Early this evening, she returned my call and expressed disappointment that she didn’t answer when I called earlier as she would have loved for me to have stopped by. Anyway, we had lovely chat, catching up on how things had been going since we last talked. She’s a feisty young woman of about 85 and I really do miss the regular chats we’d have when I lived just downstairs from her. I asked about her son, whom I knew had been diagnosed with throat cancer and was undergoing treatment. Turns out, he’s doing well and his treatments are over. Hooray!! He was still experiencing some pain she said, but I assured her that would go away in time, having went through something similar about 6 years ago when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. The subject moved to my dad and how his death caught me and my siblings by surprise and we're still coming to terms with it, yet how we were happy to have recently celebrated another birthday with my mom, although she can be a challenge to care for. “You guys are doing the best you can. That’s all you can do,” my neighbor offered. “I’m sure both your parents appreciate it.”

She also shared that she and my other former neighbors really miss me being around. I appreciated hearing that—it actually felt good to hear that—as I have been feeling a bit isolated and forgotten, since moving back into my parents’ home, even before that really. I don't care how many self-help books tout the value of not needing to hear others expressing good thoughts about you to feel good—it feels really great when others do express their appreciation of your presence. It’s also funny how sometimes when you reach out to someone just to say “hello” or encourage them, they end up encouraging you. I suppose it’s true, you get what you give.

Being a “student,” so to speak, of Neville Goddard, I know that my outer world is merely a reflection of my inner state and, admittedly, I have inwardly been feeling a bit unsocial like I just wanted to be left alone or needed to hide from the world. My frightened inner child who just wants to feel safe, can occasionally, if I let her, wreak havoc with my life. I’ve been feeling like I’m broken, damaged somehow, and just not really wanting anyone to see me until I can fix whatever it is that’s broken. Last night, I made a decision to change that—no more hiding for me. I am not broken; I am fearfully and wonderfully made. As for my frightened inner child, I took her hand and told her she is safe and accepted.

And today, my outer world began to reflect that, as I smiled at strangers (some of them! Let’s be real, some strangers should not be smiled at.) and they smiled back at me. As an added bonus, thanks to my neighbor, I now have the perfect title for my autobiography: Child of Grace. 

It was how she referred to me as she was saying good-bye, and as soon as I heard it, I knew: “That’s it! That's my life!”

It’s how my mother, before she became ill, would sometimes refer to me. She even bought me a key chain eons ago with my name that reads: "Her name is noble and full of grace." Grace speaks to how I’ve always tried to carry myself, with poise and elegance, even in the midst of crappy experiences. And if I am honest, with myself at least, I would have to admit that despite all the seemingly crappy experiences I’ve had over the past several months, or though out my life time for that matter, my life has been filled with many remarkable moments of grace—goodness that I never anticipated and couldn’t possibly have earned, including a loving family, wonderful friends and wonderful neighbors.

My mother gave this to me eons ago. It's been through a lot as have I.

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, Start All Over Again

Nothing's impossible, I have found
For when my chin is on the ground.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And start all over again.

Don't lose your confidence
If you slip
Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off
And start all over again.

By Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields, ©1936

I'm a big fan of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie musicals—I'm pretty certain that I've watched all of them, multiple times since childhood. I could easily and quite happily spend hours watching a marathon of their musicals. Watching Fred and Ginger movies with my mom and older sister, along with seeing Mikhail Baryshnikov in the Nutcracker, is what ignited my love of dance. Often after watching their movies as a child, I would retreat to the basement of our home and try to mimic their routines. In fact, several years later after I began taking ballroom lessons (another story for another time), I had someone design/make a gown for me to look like my absolute favorite Ginger Rogers' gown, which she wore in Follow the Fleet.

It's no wonder then that today when I was feeling a bit discouraged about recent events in my life and that of my family that the song "Pick Yourself Up," which Rogers sings in Swing Time to an awkward dancing Astaire, should suddenly pop into my head. I had only moments earlier been practicing a dance variation in between care giving duties for my parents. Curiously, it was during my quiet time while I was reading about Neville Goddard's method for "revising" unpleasant or negative events to help pick up my mood when I heard the song. The song along with Neville's revision method, which he taught as a way to help prevent negative patterns from repeating in your life by changing the way you perceive events, did a lot to help me pick myself up from what could have been an all-day funk.

Believing as I do that our thoughts, emotions, and words have creative power, I certainly don't want to spend an entire day in a funk and risk repeating more of the same experiences that I'm not enjoying. I appreciated and needed the reminder that I have the power within myself to choose my thoughts, feelings, and focus in the moment to create better experiences and outcomes for myself going forward.

I've been learning to do this when practicing my dancing. Even the best dancers occasionally stumble or misstep. I've been trained that when I do stumble or misstep (or God forbid, fall), sometimes the very best thing to do is keep dancing through to the end of the variation or routine. My instructor and I will, of course, pause afterward to assess what happened—did I lose my frame, were my feet or hands not in the right position, did I lose my focus. We will then make the necessary corrections and start all over again. However, I've learned that if I remain fixated on the problem or whatever it was that caused the mistake, I'll keep repeating it—usually to the frustration of my instructor. The key to success in my starting over is to focus on dancing the variation correctly, actually seeing and feeling myself dancing correctly over and over again in my mind until suddenly (sometimes to my surprise), I discover I'm actually doing it.

And so it is, I'm learning, in life. In the face of challenges, obstacles, setbacks, and disappointments that knock you on your butt, you can choose to let fear, frustration, and misplaced focus keep your butt on the ground and your goals and heart's desires out of reach, or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

Did you know?
Fred Astaire, considered an icon of old Hollywood Glamour and whose name is practically synonymous with dance, failed early in his career to attract any interest in Hollywood. Regarding his initial screen test, at least one studio executive wrote, "Can't sing. Can't act. Slightly balding. Can dance a little." (Source: Biography.com)

I Came Face-to-face with Two Deer in Three Weeks—Coincidence?

In three weeks, I've come face-to-face with two deer. And I do mean face-to-face as in uncomfortably close enough to nearly reach out and touch them. (I didn't!)

My first face-to-face deer encounter, July 4, 2016

The first incident occurred curiously on the 4th of July, Independence Day in the U.S. As I was walking to the Metro station from my parents' home, I saw what I thought at first was a very large dog. Stunned and uncertain what my next and safest step should be, I realized I was staring in the face of a deer! He/she seemed as stunned as me for a moment before returning to grazing on the leaves of a nearby tree branch in the park where we
encountered each other.

The second incident occurred today, exactly three weeks later. This time I was walking toward my home in a very suburban part of Maryland state and encountered another deer. Although there's a wooded area directly across from the building where I live (it's used to be someone's property for whom my street is now named), I've never seen a deer in my neighborhood. The nearest park is about a mile away.

Coincidence? Or a message from the Universe?

Seeker that I am, I needed to find out what these close encounters with deer might mean and decided to do some research on deer spirits.

Being of Native American ancestry on my mother's side, I've spent a significant amount of time throughout my life learning about their traditions and beliefs, wanting to know more about my great grandfather for whom I only have a name, but have heard many wonderful stories about.

According to Native American tradition, each individual is connected with one of nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides, also called spirit guides and/or power animals, come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey, but there is usually one animal, your totem animal, that is with you for life.¹ Sounds somewhat like the Christian concept of a guardian angel.

One expert suggests that the deer spirit is "a symbol of regeneration of life and heart energy." I like the sound of that!  The deer spirit represents one's ability "to bring gentleness and grace in every aspect of your life, even in the most challenging moments. By inspiration from the deer’s qualities, you can achieve ambitious goals and tackle difficult situation smoothly with a touch of gentleness and grace." ²

Another shares that "when a deer totem shows up in your life, a new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened." This person adds that "the deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives." ³

Well, I would absolutely consider this moment of my life to be one of my most challenging. I would very much like to get through it all with gentleness and grace, although I've been feeling more ornery and frustrated, when not curled up in the fetal position crying. In fact, I've been feeling quite a bit like someone sinking in quicksand. Yet, the more I fight to keep from sinking, the deeper in it I get. And yes, I know I should just stop fighting as that is what I've always heard one should do when in quicksand because struggling to get free only pulls you in deeper. Still, gentle soul that I can be, I am also a warrior at heart.

But I am extremely open to the possibility of a new innocence and freshness—of recapturing my childlike innocence and belief in the impossible, or rather that all things are possible. I haven't been enjoying the hopeless, cynical, angry and resentful person that stares back at me from the mirror as I grapple with feelings of being unappreciated, unloved, unsupported, unsafe, and undeserving of anything good. Admittedly aspects of my nature—my shadow self, perhaps, emerging to be embraced and healed—I do not want these feelings/aspects to overtake the whole of me as they threaten to do some days, especially since I know I created my current situation with my thoughts, choices, and actions and these darker feelings will not help me to create something better.

The something better being once-and-for-all healing old trauma, past hurts and transforming my current experience into something beautiful and uplifting. And then with childlike faith and the gentle heart that I have always had—but sometimes tried to hide for fear of being thought weak—helping the other wounded in my life to find healing.

Thank you deer spirit. Thank you for the reminder to keep a determined, yet gentle spirit in the midst of all things.

^1- http://www.legendsofamerica.com/na-totems.html
^2- http://www.spiritanimal.info/deer-spirit-animal/  
^3- http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/deer.htm

Touching the Face of God

gallerily.com

When I was a child, before the days of 24/7 television across 120-plus stations, television stations featured sign-offs to indicate they were going off air for a few hours, usually in the wee hours of the morning between 2 to 4 a.m. Each station’s sign-off was different, but there was one that seemed to really fascinate me as I watched it during those early mornings when I was up long, long past bedtime because I just couldn’t sleep. (And yes, I had a TV in my room. Blame my parents, why don’t you?!)

I remember the sign-off featured images of airplanes soaring through the clouds, and a man’s voice that always sounded so soothing as he spoke of "dancing in the sky" and "touching the face of God." Sometimes the airplane images were replaced with images of eagles flying across the expanse of sky or an ocean. Ever so high, I recall watching them climb, wishing I could be, feel that free.

The past few months of life have been quite challenging for me dealing with personal, financial and family health issues. As I’ve mentioned a few times in my posts, I share caregiving duties for my parents with my siblings. I’ve been doing this since 2010 when my mom had her first seizure. Three years later, we were having to care for dad also. In the midst of all of this, I experienced my own health crisis and financial loss resulting from being fired from a job that I really enjoyed. Life really is grand, isn’t it? (No, I’m not being sarcastic, much!)

Yesterday I felt that I was near to reaching the breaking point. There was something I wanted, needed to accomplish, yet despite my best efforts I was getting it done--something my Virgo mind just can’t easily handle. As I began feeling the despair and discouragement, tears streaming down my face, I headed outside with my trusty journal in hand to help sort through my feelings. In nature is where I thrive. In nature is where I find peace.

Sitting on the back porch of my parents’ home, I started journaling, and then suddenly stopped to just look up at the sky. The great expanse of blue sky was filled with amazingly beautiful white and soft gray clouds. I felt calm and at peace as I stared off into the distance as far as I could see. I noticed a plane fly by and the usual birds. Breathtaking. I have a deep appreciation for art, and yet don’t believe there is any artist living or dead who could adequately capture the beauty of what I was seeing, experiencing looking up into that sky. It felt like I was seeing something painted made by the very hand of God, which brings me back to the TV sign-offs I mentioned at the beginning of my post.

I sat still for a while, staring into those clouds in front of me, above me, around me, trying to breathe myself into them, make myself one with all that surrounded me when I suddenly remembered the TV sign off from my childhood, the one with man’s voice talking about touching the face of God.

Information addict that I am I decided to search the Internet for that sign off, or the poem, as I was sure it was most likely a poem the man was reading. It was. The poem is High Flight, written by John Gillespie Magee Jr., a 19-year old aviator pilot. He wrote the poem just three months before he died during a training flight from the airfield near Scopwick. Portions of the poem are inscribed on the headstones of many aviators and astronauts buried in Arlington National Cemetery.*

I cried as I read the full poem and understood why the man’s words had so touched me at such a young age that many years later I’m still able to remember those images that flashed across my TV screen and even hear some of the words spoken. I had a rather vivid imagination as a child, still do, and would dream of doing and being pretty much anything. I was a ballerina, and a princess, a rock star, and a cowgirl (not the cheerleader variety). Once I dreamed about walking on the moon and even imagined I was one of the officers on Star Trek (don't ask), not understanding the whole TV isn't real thing. At least not then—no reality television, yet, thank goodness!

I was learning then as I’m still now learning that life offers infinite possibilities for us beyond what we are experiencing in the moment and beyond what we can imagine or dream, if only we could believe that it does. And just like Officer Magee, we, too, can touch the face of God.

Here's the poem for you to read, or you can experience it the way I did as a child.

High Flight 

By John Gillespie Magee Jr.

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds, -- and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air...

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace

Where never lark or even eagle flew --

And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod

The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

* Source: http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/