Bending Me

“What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” Morpheus to Neo in the Matrix movie


Life as simulation? Feels real enough when you are caught up in the emotions and sensual stimuli you perceive all around you. The voices you hear. The things you smell, touch, taste.

Curiously, so it is in my dreams. Yet, I rarely fully buy into the events, objects, and people I encounter in them as being real, or do I?

In the moments that I’m “dreaming,” it is, it feels real. Scarily so sometimes. When I am under threat in my dreams, physically or emotionally, I react the same as when I'm awake. My body though lying still on the bed reacts. My heart rate increases, my muscles tense, my breathing becomes labored. Heck, sometimes I even sweat. Just last week, in the moments immediately after awaking from sleep, I could still feel as real and solid in my hand the object I had been holding onto during the dream. When I fully opened my eyes, I was surprised and confused to find nothing in my hand.

Now, I’m awake, but am I really? How do I know?

“Do not try to bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth. Then you'll see, it is not the spoons that bends it is only yourself.” From the Matrix movie

There are those within spiritual circles and even some scientists, such as Nick Bostrom and Dean Radin, who suggest all that we behold is merely information our brains are processing. But where is the information coming from? Who or what is responsible for creating the information, the data that I behold or think myself to be beholding or experiencing?

And if my mind is merely interpreting information "out there" and creating within it a picture that I perceive as being an external world, what's to stop it, or me as awakened consciousness, from creating or choosing what data/information I desire to perceive?

If I could allow myself even for a brief moment to completely suspend disbelief, what would I be capable of experiencing in this moment now? And in the next one? And the next one? What wonders might await me?

What wonders might await you?

The Power of Intentions

Intentions are powerful. I realized earlier this week that I’ve been very lax in setting intentions for my day. As a result, I’ve felt like I’m on a ship drifting directionless in the ocean. I'm doing a bunch of stuff, yet I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. So, I’ve recommitted myself to get back into creating my day daily and recording my successes to build faith and trust in the power residing in this earthen vessel.

Today was a prime example. About a week ago I had thought it might be nice to again visit my dad’s grave site at Quantico on today—it was a year ago today that he died—however, I wasn’t sure whether I was up to it or how I might get there. To be honest, I’ve been a bit emotional in the days leading up to Christmas and today even, remembering and still not fully able to make sense of what happened a year ago.

When my younger sister mentioned over the weekend that she was thinking of going and that my older sister wanted to as well, I decided to make my "it might be nice to..." a "yes, I want to do this." I then thought it would be nice to make it a family outing of sorts, including my brother, so mentioned it to him and my sister-in-law, hoping we could make it work. Weather was a factor as snow was predicted. Another seeming challenge was how to make the hour drive easy for my older sister, yet I held fast to my intent/desire to go.

The transportation issue was solved when I realized that my older sister’s van was plenty big enough for all of us to ride in comfort, and I could drive. As for the weather, I received a message last night from my younger sister that the snow had kindly decided to wait until after midnight tonight, if it appears at all.

I awoke this morning not feeling my best and for a brief moment thought I might not be  able to make the trip. But remembering I had set my intention, I remained confident it would work out. I had a chat with my body wherein I expressed how I wanted it to feel, and then went  back to bed for another hour. I awoke feeling fine, just as my sister had arrived. I showered and dressed. Happily when I asked my brother about going, he said “yes.” So, off we went to Quantico with me driving my sister’s van.

It was the perfect moment: the four of us standing at our dad’s grave site, which had already been decorated with a fresh pine Christmas wreath. It was a beautiful and sobering site. My sister laid the silk flowers I’d provided and an American flag on the headstone. She and my brother took pictures while each of us took notice of the other soldiers' headstones all adorned with wreaths, and some with flags, flowers and other items of affection left by their loved ones. And each of us in our own way reminisced about our dad and the day, a year ago, we said goodbye to him.

The drive down and back gave us the opportunity to bond—we laughed and talked about our dad, our mom and an assortment of other things as well as expressed our frustration, anger, and confusion in dealing with some of the hospital and rehab staff and paid caregivers who provided care to our dad during the last six months of his life. It was very healing for me and for the first time I feel ready to move beyond it and get back to living the amazing life I know my dad would want for me.

I have every intention of doing just that as I believe that I deserve an amazing happy life. It is the birthright of every person born into this earth.

“Is anything too hard for God?” has become my daily meditation as there are some situations in my life that feel challenging, yet I, the real I, knows that there is nothing too hard or too wonderful for God to accomplish. In those moments when I feel myself letting go of my intention for an amazing, rich and wonderful life, I remind myself that the same God, Infinite Spirit who created the universe and all that is in it and has for millennia after millennia kept the planets, sun and stars in perfect alignment as they circle around in space is surely more than capable of managing my itty bitty situations (no matter how monumental they might appear to me). To believe otherwise is insulting and rather ridiculous if you seriously think about it.

I may never know why my dad’s life ended when it did—years before he had expressed that he’d wanted it to—yet I believe the possibility for him to have lived as long as he desired and the possibility for him to have been healed of dementia existed and still exists. As my father often sang, “Jesus [the Christ in us] never fails.”

Intentions are powerful when you are willing to believe that anything is possible and, like the woman who approached Jesus for healing for her daughter, refuse to take “no” for an answer.

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Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Mark 11:23