Bending Me

“What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” Morpheus to Neo in the Matrix movie


Life as simulation? Feels real enough when you are caught up in the emotions and sensual stimuli you perceive all around you. The voices you hear. The things you smell, touch, taste.

Curiously, so it is in my dreams. Yet, I rarely fully buy into the events, objects, and people I encounter in them as being real, or do I?

In the moments that I’m “dreaming,” it is, it feels real. Scarily so sometimes. When I am under threat in my dreams, physically or emotionally, I react the same as when I'm awake. My body though lying still on the bed reacts. My heart rate increases, my muscles tense, my breathing becomes labored. Heck, sometimes I even sweat. Just last week, in the moments immediately after awaking from sleep, I could still feel as real and solid in my hand the object I had been holding onto during the dream. When I fully opened my eyes, I was surprised and confused to find nothing in my hand.

Now, I’m awake, but am I really? How do I know?

“Do not try to bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth. Then you'll see, it is not the spoons that bends it is only yourself.” From the Matrix movie

There are those within spiritual circles and even some scientists, such as Nick Bostrom and Dean Radin, who suggest all that we behold is merely information our brains are processing. But where is the information coming from? Who or what is responsible for creating the information, the data that I behold or think myself to be beholding or experiencing?

And if my mind is merely interpreting information "out there" and creating within it a picture that I perceive as being an external world, what's to stop it, or me as awakened consciousness, from creating or choosing what data/information I desire to perceive?

If I could allow myself even for a brief moment to completely suspend disbelief, what would I be capable of experiencing in this moment now? And in the next one? And the next one? What wonders might await me?

What wonders might await you?

The Price of Fitting In

This morning, I attended a wake/viewing for a long-time friend, someone I had known since I was a very young girl who passed away quite suddenly late last month. Surrounded by other friends from my childhood, I became acutely aware of how out of place I often feel around them and the struggle within myself to make myself fit into a world that I don’t really want to fit into.

There isn’t anything wrong at all with the reality in which my friends live. It works for them. It’s what they know and have come to accept is a “normal” way of life. You put in your 40 hours a week, enduring all manner of situations that annoy you, so you can earn money to buy a car, house, clothes, food, etc. That's how life works, right?

As a treat for your hard work and sacrifice, you spend your down time doing things that feel more fun: watching the latest crop of television programming intended to either entertain or infuriate you, going to the movies, maybe, taking a cruise some place when you have vacation time, provided you have enough money, attending church, or checking out a new or familiar restaurant. If you're married or have a family, you might do something with your partner and kids, or not. You stress about bills, the mortgage, car notes, your spouse and/or kids, and you get together to commiserate about your stupid bosses and co-workers, how your partner or kids are making you nuts, or how challenged you are trying to manage all the cadre of ailments you been diagnosed with.

If it seems I’m being judgmental, I’m not. My friends and family are content with their lifestyles—they’ve chosen it, consciously or unconsciously. Doesn’t matter, they seem content to do what they do.

As for me, I’ve always wanted more, or rather, something vastly different, as “more” implies judgment. Ever since I was a teenager, tween even, I've desired and still desire a different way of being, doing, and living my life. I could see it. I could feel it. It moved me to action on the one hand and terrified me on the other. Try as I might, I haven’t been able to let it go. In my imagination, my daydreams, I saw a preview of what my life could be and I cannot let it go.

As I’m pondering all of this, it hit me—the guilt I’ve been carrying with me since my tween, teenage, years for daring to want to be, do, and experience something different.

I have been that double-minded man spoken of in the Bible who asks yet wavers, attempting to walk the fence or tight rope between two worlds/two lives: the one that I truly want to experience and have long dreamed and continue to dream about—the one that keeps me up some nights and terrifies me—and the one that I think I’m supposed to experience because it’s the life that people like me live and it's "just the way things are." That other life, the one that haunts me, that’s for special people, other people, NOT ME people.

Granted, I have come close to stepping into that life in physical reality, damn close, throughout various periods of my adulthood only to watch it collapse like a stack of cards typically because of my actions. I’m only now realizing in this moment, that it hasn’t been so much my actions causing my dreams to collapse before me but my beliefs about what achieving them might mean for me and for those I care about. What will my friends think of me if I...? My family? My parents’ friends and associates?

I am a minister’s daughter after all and many of the dreams and desires for my life aren’t readily accepted among those in my or my family’s social circle of God-fearing Pentecostal Christians. Nor are they readily accepted as being appropriate or even achievable for members of my ethnic group or among the extended family consisting of the people who live/lived in the neighborhood in which I grew up—the people who have known me since my earliest memories of myself.

Fearing rejection, fearing loss of acceptance from my loved ones and, honestly, fearing the responsibility and the public scrutiny that can come with stepping into the spotlight, I self-sabotage. Trust me, this hasn’t been done consciously. Doesn’t matter though, as the results are the same. Rather than confidently heading in the directions of my dreams, I end up far off in the opposite direction.

If I were writing this five years ago, I would believe it’s part of God’s divine plan—that He is or was the one throwing up roadblocks because He wanted me to go in a different direction. I now know better. It is me and only me stopping me.

I want to be loved and accepted by those I love and care for, but at what price? When is the cost of fitting in and conforming too high? When is the sacrificing of your desires to please others too great? When is contracting oneself to avoid standing out so as not to risk being rejected/cut down by your tribe simply not worth the inner pain and suffering? Really, what does it profit a person (me) to gain the love of the whole world (or at least the people I know in this world) and lose her (my) very soul?

These are the questions plaguing my heart today. Truth, whenever I do that fitting in thing or contracting myself to be more acceptable to others, I always feel this “ick” afterward. I believe it’s my inner self’s way of calling me on my BS—“just stop it!”

I know the life I desire is here for me now; it is only waiting for me to choose it and commit to it. I also know that the universe, my external world, only ever reflects back to me what I am feeling or thinking internally. As long as I continue to believe that pursuing my dreams means being alienated from or rejected by those I love and care about, that will be my reality.

I have a choice to make and a life to live. Now's the time to get on with it. Teetering the fence between two lives is no longer a viable option for me.

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"All denial is self denial." Stuart Lindell, direct student of Neville Goddard

"If you construct in your mind a wall where there actually is none, you will force yourself to behave as though such a wall is actually pervasively in your way." Kidest Om

Set the Course of Your Day Before You Get out of Bed

Despite having experienced a nearly sleepless night, I am feeling inspired and energized today. Funny how that happens.

Admittedly, it took me a while to get going this morning and I had to give myself a serious pep talk about what an awesome day this was going to be. Once up, I was raring to go and got going. I walked my three miles, enjoyed a nice, healthy salad and even did some cleaning.

In every moment of every day, we are given the opportunity to choose our future. And our first thoughts upon waking can be the difference between experiencing a great day or the day seemingly from hell (We’ve all had those days, right?).

Are you waking up excited about the day, knowing it's going to be amazing?

Or, do you get up in dread and fear of what awaits and feeling overwhelmed by all the things you "need" to do?

I’m sharing (with permission) this video link I received today from CrackYourEgg.com to inspire you to begin each day on a high note.

http://www.flickspire.com/m/CrackYourE848/FirstThing 

Enjoy, and have an awesome day!

Are You Choosing What You Truly Want?

"The world is yourself pushed out. Ask yourself what do you want and then give it to yourself! Do not question how it will come about; just go your way knowing that the evidence of what you have done must appear, and it will." – Neville Goddard 

As I was doing my meditation this afternoon, the following question came up: Do you really go after what you want?

I allowed myself to expand on it further: Do you really go after what you truly want? Not what you think you can have or what you think you can get, or even what you think you should want or should have. And, not what others think you should want or should have or can get.

Do you really go after what YOU want? If not, why not? What is stopping you?

What reasons, rational or irrational, are you using to not have what you want?

What stories are you telling yourself to prevent you from going after what you want?

What excuses are you giving significance?

Who or what are you blaming and, hence, giving away your power to as being the cause of why you are settling for less than what you truly want?

What payoff/benefit are you receiving from not having or going after what you want?

Are you now able to release all of the stories, excuses, rationalizing, blaming, etc., and fully own what it is you really want and go after it?

Can you choose to love yourself enough to give yourself that which you truly want and desire?

Can you really allow yourself to have whatever you choose, without apology?

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"To ask for something in prayer is to simply lay hold of what’s yours. You have the right, and even the responsibility to command your life." – Chris Michaels, Science of Mind minister

"Our blessings happen because we choose them." – Robert T. Stevens, Conscious Language

“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.” – Jordan Belfort (the Wolf of Wall Street)

A Magical Moment and A Promise Worth Keeping

"Know that anytime we exercise our imagination lovingly on behalf of another, we're actually and literally mediating God to man. So we can sit quietly in the darkness and listen as though we heard the good report we want to hear." - Neville Goddard


Every day I set about looking for at least one magical moment and one of today's moments is truly special.

I was browsing the Freeneville website to see if the site's creator, Mr. Twenty Twenty, or Neville Goddard offered any insight on channeled teachings, many of which I’m beginning to suspect are loads of BS and not to be fully believed or relied upon. The only article he has posted on the subject is in response to a woman named Theresa who’s mother was suffering from dementia in a way that is/was similar to the experience of my parents. She had asked his insight on whether it was okay to imagine her mother being healed or if she should accept her sickness as some new age teachings suggest because it may be the path by which her mother has chosen to exit this life. Mr. Twenty responded by offering the Neville Goddard quote noted at the beginning of this post, adding that by taking the time to imagine her mother at peace she was giving both of them a gift.

I actually posted a response to the article in September 2013, sharing my own story as follows:

Thank you so much Theresa for sharing your situation with your mom. I had been going through something very similar with my mom (and dad) where she went from being the most pleasant, jovial, sweetest, generous, peaceful and strong woman I know to someone I hardly recognized. Similar to your experience, the words that would come out of her mouth sometimes were hateful and foul. She's complaining and paranoid and the doctors, friends, my siblings kept saying this is something we just have to accept and deal with.

I chose from the beginning, like you, not to accept this, but there were days when I thought I might cave. But, I can see in my mother’s eyes who she desires to be—peaceful, loving, calm, gentle, content, trusting—and I can see her looking for someone to help set her free. And there have been more moments recently where she is the person she wants to be.

Hearing your story and your belief “that it doesn’t have to be this way” and then reading Mr. Twenty Twenty’s response only strengthens my resolve that things don’t have to be the way the doctors say for “all things are possible.” I love the statement of Jesus you mentioned from the Greatest Story Ever Told movie. I think that pretty much sums up the attitude I want to have when I see sickness and lack around me.

Thank you Mr. Twenty Twenty for your teachings on Neville and your response to Theresa. You are helping so many people like us become the people we want to be by holding fast to our dreams for ourselves and those we love until they are fully realized.

My dad had only recently been "diagnosed" as having dementia when I posted the above. I may no longer be able to help him, although I gave it everything I could up until the very end. I clung to hope like a woman adrift in an ocean clings to a life preserver until the rescue ship comes. Even after I received initial word of his death, my inner being still chose to believe the words Jesus spoke at Lazarus’ tomb: “I am the resurrection and the life...” I will continue to believe for my mom: "He sent His word and healed them….”

I needed this magical moment today. So did my mom.

As for the movie quote referenced in my reply, according to Theresa there's a scene in which Jesus heals a blind man and then rebukes an observer for asking what if the man he just healed of blindness wanted to be blind: “the man lives in darkness and while I am on this earth he will see!”

My belief is that Jesus being fully aware of the power within him lived in such a state of perfect faith that sickness simply couldn't exist around him, nor could lack, in the same way that darkness can't exist in the place light is shone.

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"He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions." - Psalm 107:20

"We possess the same Spirit, the same power, the same authority; we don't use it, but we possess it." - My dad, Leon Don King, said in remarks given during a Christmas service held in 2006

"God give unto me the grace to accept the things I cannot change. And grant unto me the power to change the things I cannot accept!" - Richard Bartlett, author of "Matrix Energetics"

Even Self-Proclaimed Pollyannas Have Bad Days

There was a time not too long ago when it was rare that I would experience a really pissy, foul mood. You know the kind where you just want to ... scream, throw something, throw someone? You know?

During the past two years, I feel I've experienced such moments/days far more often than I would like. I could blame menopause, but I'm at least 6 or 7 years from that. Anyway, today is one of those days. I woke up in a foul mood and it went down hill from there. What do you know, this LOA stuff works! (She said sarcastically.)

As the day progressed, I decided to just give into the mood and indulge in something I haven't done in quite a while. After going through all the trouble to eat a healthy lunch—I tend to skip breakfast as I don't believe it's the most important of the day—for dinner, I binged on foods that I typically avoid like the plague: sodas and a cinnamon bun. I suppose I "cheated" myself a little on the muffin since I only had half. To add a little more danger to the mix, I threw in a few fries. Who needs salad?!

Just wanted to share to let you know that even Pollyanna's have bad days where we just want to pull the cover over our heads, or pig out on Haagen Dazs (I actually had Friendly's ice cream; no Haagen Dazs in the house), or curse the gods.

On an up note, I made certain to bless and thank all of my food for the comfort it provided.

Tomorrow's another day! Until then, enjoy this lovely video I found on YouTube. It was one of my favorite songs when I was a kid. Listening tonight made me cry into my ice cream.

How Neville Goddard Changed My Life

Let me begin my stating that I was going to call this post " An Ode to Neville Goddard," but that would have required me to actually write a poem, which I’m not in the mood to do. I did feel inspired today to pay tribute to this great teacher whom I’ve never met, yet consider a mentor—a very beloved mentor.

I discovered Neville Goddard’s teachings about four years ago while reading Wayne Dyer’s book, Wishes Fulfilled. Dyer makes several references to Neville Goddard and how his teachings helped to inform his philosophy of life. Intrigued by some of the quotes included in the book, I decided to learn more about Mr. Goddard and his teachings.

It didn't take very long as there was plenty of information readily available all over the Internet. He taught over 475 lectures and published 10 books beginning around the 1950s until his death in 1972. There are numerous websites devoted to sharing his teachings that were created by people who are/were influenced by him. He is in fact considered by many to be among the greatest New Thought leaders of his day, and even now.

Neville Goddard’s teachings have certainly for over four years informed my own transformation and my views about life and what is possible for me. Through his vast lectures, many of which can be heard on YouTube, I’ve come to understand a great deal about the powerful role my thoughts, imagination, and feelings have in shaping my circumstances. I have as a result learned to pay more attention to the thoughts I’m thinking, what I am feeling and what I am imagining at any given moment.

His teachings have helped me to create some pretty amazing experiences by shifting my thoughts, feelings and emotions away from what I’m not enjoying to what I would prefer. They have also helped me to release years of buried guilt and shame—emotions that will absolutely prevent you from living your best life. For better or worse, our thoughts create our feelings and beliefs, which determine our choices, which determine our actions, which determine our experiences. As Neville would put it: “Nothing comes from without; all things come from within.”

Among my favorite Neville quotes are the following:

“Man, if he is in control of his own imagination, is in control of the phenomena of his life. He is not the victim of circumstances; circumstances are the creatures of himself.”

"Do not compromise. Decide exactly what you want and assume you have it. If your world would change, determine what it would look like; then construct a scene which would imply you are there."

“Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact disregard all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you already are what you want to be. For in that determined assumption, you and your infinite being are merged in creative unity. And with your infinite being (God) all things are possible.”

The last one, which Wayne Dyer quotes specifically in Wishes Fulfilled, is one that I meditate on day and night and especially in those moments where I began to feel like life’s victim. It isn’t as some might conclude an invitation to ignore what is happening around me, like an ostrich with her head in the sand. It is an invitation to remain focused on my desired destination or outcome in spite of what I am seeing or experiencing. My current circumstances, problems, challenges may be real now, but reality isn’t static—it is constantly changing. Focusing on the problem only serves to keep me stuck in the problem, exactly where I don’t want to be. Maintaining laser-like focus on my aim will move me towards it.

I’ve read nearly all of Neville’s lectures, many of which you can access for free at realneville.com. (The PDFs only; the audios you'll need to buy.) In addition, I’ve purchased several of his books. Among them: Feeling is the Secret, Your Faith is Your Fortune, Power of Awareness, Awakened Imagination, Prayer: The Art of Believing, and At Your Command.

I recommend all of them with the caveat that you will 1) need to read through them multiple times to grasp the meaning of what he’s saying, yet it’s worth it, and 2) need to keep an open mind. If you think your way, or your parents’ way, or your pastor’s way of understanding scripture or the Bible is the only way it can be understood, or perhaps you aren’t Christian and not open to discussions of scripture, your mind will simply not allow you to glean from Neville’s work the valuable insight that he offers. It is my personal belief that his teachings can benefit anyone, regardless of religious affiliation or even if you don’t adhere to any.

Neville’s teachings offer the opportunity to stop playing victim and take responsibility for your life. If your life is a hot mess and you accept that you’re the one who created the mess, then that means you also have power to create something better and it doesn’t matter how the economy is doing, who gets elected president, or whether your boss is a jerk. Your “savior,” Neville would suggest, is within, not without. What could be more empowering than that?

Below are a couple of my favorite Neville Goddard videos. I sometimes listen to these as I’m going to sleep.

 Facts Have Over Flowed the World

 How Abdullah Taught the Law

Neville discusses what he learned from his mentor Abdullah, an Ethiopian Jew, about the power of imagination.

Touching the Face of God

gallerily.com

When I was a child, before the days of 24/7 television across 120-plus stations, television stations featured sign-offs to indicate they were going off air for a few hours, usually in the wee hours of the morning between 2 to 4 a.m. Each station’s sign-off was different, but there was one that seemed to really fascinate me as I watched it during those early mornings when I was up long, long past bedtime because I just couldn’t sleep. (And yes, I had a TV in my room. Blame my parents, why don’t you?!)

I remember the sign-off featured images of airplanes soaring through the clouds, and a man’s voice that always sounded so soothing as he spoke of "dancing in the sky" and "touching the face of God." Sometimes the airplane images were replaced with images of eagles flying across the expanse of sky or an ocean. Ever so high, I recall watching them climb, wishing I could be, feel that free.

The past few months of life have been quite challenging for me dealing with personal, financial and family health issues. As I’ve mentioned a few times in my posts, I share caregiving duties for my parents with my siblings. I’ve been doing this since 2010 when my mom had her first seizure. Three years later, we were having to care for dad also. In the midst of all of this, I experienced my own health crisis and financial loss resulting from being fired from a job that I really enjoyed. Life really is grand, isn’t it? (No, I’m not being sarcastic, much!)

Yesterday I felt that I was near to reaching the breaking point. There was something I wanted, needed to accomplish, yet despite my best efforts I was getting it done--something my Virgo mind just can’t easily handle. As I began feeling the despair and discouragement, tears streaming down my face, I headed outside with my trusty journal in hand to help sort through my feelings. In nature is where I thrive. In nature is where I find peace.

Sitting on the back porch of my parents’ home, I started journaling, and then suddenly stopped to just look up at the sky. The great expanse of blue sky was filled with amazingly beautiful white and soft gray clouds. I felt calm and at peace as I stared off into the distance as far as I could see. I noticed a plane fly by and the usual birds. Breathtaking. I have a deep appreciation for art, and yet don’t believe there is any artist living or dead who could adequately capture the beauty of what I was seeing, experiencing looking up into that sky. It felt like I was seeing something painted made by the very hand of God, which brings me back to the TV sign-offs I mentioned at the beginning of my post.

I sat still for a while, staring into those clouds in front of me, above me, around me, trying to breathe myself into them, make myself one with all that surrounded me when I suddenly remembered the TV sign off from my childhood, the one with man’s voice talking about touching the face of God.

Information addict that I am I decided to search the Internet for that sign off, or the poem, as I was sure it was most likely a poem the man was reading. It was. The poem is High Flight, written by John Gillespie Magee Jr., a 19-year old aviator pilot. He wrote the poem just three months before he died during a training flight from the airfield near Scopwick. Portions of the poem are inscribed on the headstones of many aviators and astronauts buried in Arlington National Cemetery.*

I cried as I read the full poem and understood why the man’s words had so touched me at such a young age that many years later I’m still able to remember those images that flashed across my TV screen and even hear some of the words spoken. I had a rather vivid imagination as a child, still do, and would dream of doing and being pretty much anything. I was a ballerina, and a princess, a rock star, and a cowgirl (not the cheerleader variety). Once I dreamed about walking on the moon and even imagined I was one of the officers on Star Trek (don't ask), not understanding the whole TV isn't real thing. At least not then—no reality television, yet, thank goodness!

I was learning then as I’m still now learning that life offers infinite possibilities for us beyond what we are experiencing in the moment and beyond what we can imagine or dream, if only we could believe that it does. And just like Officer Magee, we, too, can touch the face of God.

Here's the poem for you to read, or you can experience it the way I did as a child.

High Flight 

By John Gillespie Magee Jr.

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds, -- and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air...

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace

Where never lark or even eagle flew --

And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod

The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

* Source: http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/

Blessings Are Mine

Sometimes God uses rather unconventional means, at least by pharisees' standards, to speak to me. I realize this shouldn't surprise me at all given the fact that He once used a donkey to convey a message to a prophet. And yet, He really does surprise me with some of the ways He'll let me know He hears and sees—a random Internet search, a church billboard, a soap opera, strangers on the street. Whatever works.

However the messages are transmitted, they provide exactly what I need—encouragement, motivation or a kick in the pants—precisely when I need it. For this, I'm very grateful. I particularly appreciated getting today's perfectly timed message amid what has been a challenging and sometimes heartbreaking few weeks. An email that I almost didn't read because I just wasn't in the mood led me to a page with the following on a Post-it note like graphic:

There's about to be a shift in your life. Get ready for your Blessings! You've been through enough and breakthrough is on the way. Don't doubt it; just claim it.

For over a week, I've been praying for a major change in certain areas of my life. And just a few days ago I decided I wanted to walk in all of God's promises. This morning I woke up asking not only for strength, but also to experience who I am in Him. He sees and He hears.

So, I say "Yes, Jesus. Blessings are mine! Bring it on!"

Renewed Strength. Renewed Hope.

As the last month of the year unfolds and we prepare for the celebration of Christmas and the start of a new year, I find myself reflecting over the whirlwind that was 2012. It was a year filled with many good moments, and yet more than a few disappointments and setbacks. To be honest, as I look back over this year, I feel like I've been through both the fire and the flood. Wilderness seasons are tough! By God's grace, I'm still standing—weakened and a bit weary, perhaps, but still standing.

Along the route I sometimes travel from my parents home to mine, I pass by a church that like most has a sign with the week's message/sermon topic. For the past few weeks, the following message has been posted:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

I would like to say that I was immediately comforted by this message. I wasn't. But after some time, some pondering... Renewed strength. Renewed hope. Sounds like the perfect way to begin the last month of a challenging year.

Just Imagine the Possibilities

For the past month, I've been reading about the power of imagination and how the world's most significant inventions, innovations, and discoveries have come about as the result of someone daring to imagine that the seemingly impossible is in fact possible. This ability to imagine—to create within your mind vivid images of how you would like your world to look, feel, and be—is something that came quite naturally to us as children. Remember how we played dress up and hosted tea parties with our make-believe friends, or pretended to be knights who rescued the villagers from fire-breathing dragons. Remember how much endless joy we experienced believing that we could be and do anything we wanted until we were taught to grow up and live in the "real" world.

Well, scientists are discovering that imaginative play or thought is essential for children and adults. It's the stuff that fuels dreams and makes them reality.

Because I'm learning to reactivate my childlike imagination and because I love all things French (well, almost all things—not a fan of escargot!), I particularly appreciated stumbling across the following inspirational quote today from Jean-Louis Eitienne, a French explorer who is the first man to cross the Artic by hot air balloon.

"Everything looks impossible for the people who never try anything."

And for added inspiration, here's a quote from poet Maya Angelou, who I plan to meet one day:

"If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities."

To this I offer, "The realization of a big dream begins with a big imagination."

So, go ahead... activate your childlike imagination and watch what unfolds. I dare you! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fg1hcs6iYs

Stumbling in the Dark

"Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season,

if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold

that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise

and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ..."

–1 Peter 1:6-8

When I began this blog several months ago, I made a conscious decision to be as transparent as I could be about my spiritual journey—sharing my current experiences and even past ones—in the hope that I might encourage others. Even in the face of the most difficult challenges, I've always believed that it helps to at least try to maintain a positive, hopeful outlook—to believe that somehow God is going to come through and it will all work out. However, lest you be deceived into believing that I find living by faith easy, a continual joy fest, I am compelled to share that it isn't. 

There have been moments, many of them, where everything in my life seemed to go wrong all at once, and despite my best efforts, every decision I made seemed to make the problems worse not better. I have felt at times like I was stumbling through life in the dark—not knowing whether to go left or right or to just stand still—and the still, small voice of God that I desperately longed to and needed to hear, if for no other reason than reassurance, was strangely silent. I wish I could say that during such moments I manage to remain at peace and full of faith, and that I don't get anxious or depressed and cry like a baby. That I'm not overcome with fear. That I don't struggle to resist the seemingly endless stream of negative thoughts: "give up," "God has forgotten you," "you're on your own," "nobody cares," "you can't do this," etc. That I don't doubt or question God's love and His goodness toward me. I wish I could say these things, but I can't.

As someone who likes to be able to see where she's going and have all the answers up front, learning to trust a God who doesn't always show His hand is tough. Some days it seems downright impossible, and there have been times where I've totally blown it.

Thank God for friends who come along to remind me of what I already know in the inner most part of my being: that God is good, that He is faithful and He is totally trustworthy. Regardless of how I may feel about Him from one moment to the next, I know His love for me remains constant. There is nothing that I can do, nothing that I can say, that will make Him stop loving me. He's given me His Word on it and that Word is forever settled in heaven and earth. I also have God's Word that because He loves me, He will always provide the help that I need. 

Difficult as they are, the moments where I'm stumbling in the dark allow me the opportunity to learn to fully trust God. Sometimes, He brings us to the end of our own wisdom, knowledge and plans to save ourselves, so that we'll cry out to Him and no one else but Him. I wish it were easier; I wish that I could always see clearly the path in front of me. But who needs faith for what they can already see? It's in the darkness that we grow in faith and God gets to show Himself to be God.

Love Bears All Things—Story of the Wooden Bowl

I came across the following story on the Internet about a year ago and passed it on to my siblings. As we struggled with how best to care for my parents, especially my father, it helped remind me that what my parents most needed was our love, patience and understanding.

Now, whenever I find myself getting a bit frustrated or impatient with my parents—say at 6:30 am when my father calls because he's run out of orange soda and wants to know if I could pick up some (he thinks it has medicinal qualities so it's really quite an urgent matter to him)—this story always comes to mind. It's lesson is hard to forget.

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. ‘We must do something about father,’ said the son. ‘I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.’

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, ‘What are you making?’ Just as sweetly, the boy responded, ‘Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.’ The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

(Discovered on Internet; Not certain of original author)

Take A Joy Break

"For the joy of the LORD is your strength."

- Nehemiah 8:10

After having such a wonderful experience yesterday, today, I was feeling rather blah, just kind of joyless. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was that I overslept, or that I hadn't much sleep the past two nights: uncooperative sinuses kept me up last night. Maybe it was the cloudy day. Maybe it's because the past few days have been a bit stressful, both personally and at work.

Whatever the cause, I don't like feeling joyless, walking around in a funk, all cranky and tired. It isn't who I am. I want to overflow with joy. God wants me to overflow with joy. (My mood did lift a little when on my way home I saw a rainbow—to me they're like pictoric "love notes" from God."

Lord, I need an escape from the blahs!

During my quiet time tonight, I looked up "joy" in the Bible and found 242 references (in the NIV). I started reading through them, quickly at first, then very slowly. I was on the 200th verse, when I noticed I felt about 100 times better. That was all I needed—to just take a joy break.

Do you need a joy break? Here's a sampling to get you started.

"Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place." - 1 Chronicles 16:27

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." - Psalm 90:14

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." - Psalm 28:7

"With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." - Isaiah 12:3

"… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." - Isaiah 61:3

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." - Isaiah 55:12

"But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people." - Luke 2:10

"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." - John 16:24

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..." - 1 Peter 1:8

The Good Shepherd

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 


He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths 
for his name’s sake. 


Even though I walk 
 through the darkest valley, 
I will fear no evil, 
for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, 
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 
 in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil; 
my cup overflows. 


Surely your goodness and love will follow me 
 all the days of my life, 
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
forever. (NIV)


This was one of the first Scriptures I had to memorize as a child, but it's only recently that I've even come to understand it and the fullness of what it promises. During even my darkest moments when the cares of the world—the heartbreaks, disappointments, anxiety about the future—threaten to overtake me, Jesus promises me peace, protection, provision, but above all His goodness and love.

The Secret Hidden in Porcelain

"Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll light those years
Sick of all of the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away"

Secrets by OneRepublic
© Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Not sure why, but this song has become one of my favorites in recent weeks. I find myself humming it in my head many times throughout the day. Maybe because it reminds me of the background music that plays toward the end of one of my favorite Christian programs. Or maybe, because the idea of revealing all my secrets sounds very freeing, especially for someone as fiercely private as I am.

Then again, it could simply boil down to me feeling very weary of having spent years creating the persona of a woman able to hold it together and keep things perfectly under control—not terribly fazed, never deeply hurt, and never really disappointed—no matter what breaks in my life. It's the reason I'm so private, so guarded, for fear that someone might uncover the truth. Much like a porcelain dish, from a distance everything looks perfect and polished, pristinely beautiful. Examine it too closely and you might just see the cracks and imperfections that often result when clay is exposed to extreme heat.

Now, I must ask myself: "Is the dish truly of any less value?" "Am I?"