Stumbling in the Dark

"Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season,

if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold

that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise

and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ..."

–1 Peter 1:6-8

When I began this blog several months ago, I made a conscious decision to be as transparent as I could be about my spiritual journey—sharing my current experiences and even past ones—in the hope that I might encourage others. Even in the face of the most difficult challenges, I've always believed that it helps to at least try to maintain a positive, hopeful outlook—to believe that somehow God is going to come through and it will all work out. However, lest you be deceived into believing that I find living by faith easy, a continual joy fest, I am compelled to share that it isn't. 

There have been moments, many of them, where everything in my life seemed to go wrong all at once, and despite my best efforts, every decision I made seemed to make the problems worse not better. I have felt at times like I was stumbling through life in the dark—not knowing whether to go left or right or to just stand still—and the still, small voice of God that I desperately longed to and needed to hear, if for no other reason than reassurance, was strangely silent. I wish I could say that during such moments I manage to remain at peace and full of faith, and that I don't get anxious or depressed and cry like a baby. That I'm not overcome with fear. That I don't struggle to resist the seemingly endless stream of negative thoughts: "give up," "God has forgotten you," "you're on your own," "nobody cares," "you can't do this," etc. That I don't doubt or question God's love and His goodness toward me. I wish I could say these things, but I can't.

As someone who likes to be able to see where she's going and have all the answers up front, learning to trust a God who doesn't always show His hand is tough. Some days it seems downright impossible, and there have been times where I've totally blown it.

Thank God for friends who come along to remind me of what I already know in the inner most part of my being: that God is good, that He is faithful and He is totally trustworthy. Regardless of how I may feel about Him from one moment to the next, I know His love for me remains constant. There is nothing that I can do, nothing that I can say, that will make Him stop loving me. He's given me His Word on it and that Word is forever settled in heaven and earth. I also have God's Word that because He loves me, He will always provide the help that I need. 

Difficult as they are, the moments where I'm stumbling in the dark allow me the opportunity to learn to fully trust God. Sometimes, He brings us to the end of our own wisdom, knowledge and plans to save ourselves, so that we'll cry out to Him and no one else but Him. I wish it were easier; I wish that I could always see clearly the path in front of me. But who needs faith for what they can already see? It's in the darkness that we grow in faith and God gets to show Himself to be God.