That was Then; This is Now!

I awoke this morning with a curious thought that perhaps it’s time, well past time, that I stop trying to “fix” me. Funnily, I am finding that so much of self-help work is not all that helpful. Particularly unhelpful to me are the programs or systems that have you continually and continually peeling back layers and layers and layers and more layers of "hidden issues" or "blocks to your good"—trauma, pain, suffering, hurts from childhood, early adulthood or even past lives; negative beliefs; limiting beliefs; agendas, and on and on—before you can even begin to hope to reach the point of actually focusing on living the life you desire and dream about. I mean, the more I peel away the layers, the more I find that needs healing or clearing or purging. Aargh!!! Enough already!

I have decided to take to heart the Apostle Paul’s suggestion and forget all that and simply accept my new creationhood. Forget all the stuff that is behind me and focus on what’s ahead—that which I desire and am choosing to experience in this present moment of now.

Olympic athletes provide the perfect example of this, most specifically those who run track or swim.. After all, has there ever at any time in the history of the Olympics been a gold medal swimmer or runner who’s won a race looking backwards? And I don't just mean looking behind to see how far in front of the other runners or swimmers or what distance they've already run or swam, but looking back to previous losses or even wins.Typically, when interviewed these athletes will share how no matter what they kept their focus fixed on that race and the finish line ahead of them. Why is it then, I suppose, that we expect to be successful in any area of life looking at, in sometimes great detail, what is behind us rather than ahead?

I had to ask myself this morning: Is digging up every past trauma, failure, shortcoming and the associated emotions really healing? And is sharing every trauma, failure, shortcoming, fear, or anxiety from my past with anyone and everyone who will listen beneficial to them? Is this how truly successful people succeed? Or, could it be that the truly successful are those who do as Paul suggests, shake off the past like it never happened and set their eyes like a flint on their goal?

Will former pains, hurts, traumas, failures, childhood programming, etc., still come up for me from time to time? Perhaps, yes. But I have already prepared the appropriate response: That was then; this is now.

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"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead," Phil 3:13 (New Living Translation)

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Cor. 5:17

Bending Me

“What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” Morpheus to Neo in the Matrix movie


Life as simulation? Feels real enough when you are caught up in the emotions and sensual stimuli you perceive all around you. The voices you hear. The things you smell, touch, taste.

Curiously, so it is in my dreams. Yet, I rarely fully buy into the events, objects, and people I encounter in them as being real, or do I?

In the moments that I’m “dreaming,” it is, it feels real. Scarily so sometimes. When I am under threat in my dreams, physically or emotionally, I react the same as when I'm awake. My body though lying still on the bed reacts. My heart rate increases, my muscles tense, my breathing becomes labored. Heck, sometimes I even sweat. Just last week, in the moments immediately after awaking from sleep, I could still feel as real and solid in my hand the object I had been holding onto during the dream. When I fully opened my eyes, I was surprised and confused to find nothing in my hand.

Now, I’m awake, but am I really? How do I know?

“Do not try to bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth. Then you'll see, it is not the spoons that bends it is only yourself.” From the Matrix movie

There are those within spiritual circles and even some scientists, such as Nick Bostrom and Dean Radin, who suggest all that we behold is merely information our brains are processing. But where is the information coming from? Who or what is responsible for creating the information, the data that I behold or think myself to be beholding or experiencing?

And if my mind is merely interpreting information "out there" and creating within it a picture that I perceive as being an external world, what's to stop it, or me as awakened consciousness, from creating or choosing what data/information I desire to perceive?

If I could allow myself even for a brief moment to completely suspend disbelief, what would I be capable of experiencing in this moment now? And in the next one? And the next one? What wonders might await me?

What wonders might await you?

Are You Choosing What You Truly Want?

"The world is yourself pushed out. Ask yourself what do you want and then give it to yourself! Do not question how it will come about; just go your way knowing that the evidence of what you have done must appear, and it will." – Neville Goddard 

As I was doing my meditation this afternoon, the following question came up: Do you really go after what you want?

I allowed myself to expand on it further: Do you really go after what you truly want? Not what you think you can have or what you think you can get, or even what you think you should want or should have. And, not what others think you should want or should have or can get.

Do you really go after what YOU want? If not, why not? What is stopping you?

What reasons, rational or irrational, are you using to not have what you want?

What stories are you telling yourself to prevent you from going after what you want?

What excuses are you giving significance?

Who or what are you blaming and, hence, giving away your power to as being the cause of why you are settling for less than what you truly want?

What payoff/benefit are you receiving from not having or going after what you want?

Are you now able to release all of the stories, excuses, rationalizing, blaming, etc., and fully own what it is you really want and go after it?

Can you choose to love yourself enough to give yourself that which you truly want and desire?

Can you really allow yourself to have whatever you choose, without apology?

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"To ask for something in prayer is to simply lay hold of what’s yours. You have the right, and even the responsibility to command your life." – Chris Michaels, Science of Mind minister

"Our blessings happen because we choose them." – Robert T. Stevens, Conscious Language

“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.” – Jordan Belfort (the Wolf of Wall Street)

Make Every Day Lovely

It's the first day of a new week. How's your day going? Is it so far all that you hoped, planned, intended?

If not, don't accept it. Stop what your doing right now and revise it. In your mind's eye imagine that your day is exactly as you want it to be. Really allow yourself to feel, touch, hear, experience all that you want to feel, touch, hear and experience.

I learned this principle or revising my day from Neville Goddard. He spoke of it numerous times in his lectures and his books. And, while I don't use it consistently, which would be helpful to me if I did, I do use it and have found it does work wonders not only for my mood, but in helping to transform my day so that I do experience more of what I would like.

In Neville's own words...

If you take me seriously today, tonight do not let the sun descend upon any vexation of the day. Just look at it, don't deny it, don't duck it, look at it that you may prune it and then reshape it. Take the conversations with your friends today, were they pleasant, were they arguments, no matter what it is, were they negative? 

Then rewrite the script and just imagine the conversation to have taken place that now you are rewriting for the first time. And it will take place, for everything in your world that you behold, though it appears without, it is within, in your imagination. And this wonderful imagination of yours is Christ Jesus. Imagination is the actual habitation of every created thing. No matter what you see in the world, it springs from your imagination. So that's where you go, that's the workshop, the garden of God.

I can't say that I understand fully how or why it works, I only know that it does work, much in the same way that I know when I put my foot on the gas pedal of a car, the car will move (provided there's gas in the car). I don't understand all the mechanics or physics behind it, I just do it and the car goes. You don't always need to know how something works to benefit from it's working.

So just try it—revise your day your way. Even if your day isn't transformed, I believe it will be, you will absolutely feel better.

How Neville Goddard Changed My Life

Let me begin my stating that I was going to call this post " An Ode to Neville Goddard," but that would have required me to actually write a poem, which I’m not in the mood to do. I did feel inspired today to pay tribute to this great teacher whom I’ve never met, yet consider a mentor—a very beloved mentor.

I discovered Neville Goddard’s teachings about four years ago while reading Wayne Dyer’s book, Wishes Fulfilled. Dyer makes several references to Neville Goddard and how his teachings helped to inform his philosophy of life. Intrigued by some of the quotes included in the book, I decided to learn more about Mr. Goddard and his teachings.

It didn't take very long as there was plenty of information readily available all over the Internet. He taught over 475 lectures and published 10 books beginning around the 1950s until his death in 1972. There are numerous websites devoted to sharing his teachings that were created by people who are/were influenced by him. He is in fact considered by many to be among the greatest New Thought leaders of his day, and even now.

Neville Goddard’s teachings have certainly for over four years informed my own transformation and my views about life and what is possible for me. Through his vast lectures, many of which can be heard on YouTube, I’ve come to understand a great deal about the powerful role my thoughts, imagination, and feelings have in shaping my circumstances. I have as a result learned to pay more attention to the thoughts I’m thinking, what I am feeling and what I am imagining at any given moment.

His teachings have helped me to create some pretty amazing experiences by shifting my thoughts, feelings and emotions away from what I’m not enjoying to what I would prefer. They have also helped me to release years of buried guilt and shame—emotions that will absolutely prevent you from living your best life. For better or worse, our thoughts create our feelings and beliefs, which determine our choices, which determine our actions, which determine our experiences. As Neville would put it: “Nothing comes from without; all things come from within.”

Among my favorite Neville quotes are the following:

“Man, if he is in control of his own imagination, is in control of the phenomena of his life. He is not the victim of circumstances; circumstances are the creatures of himself.”

"Do not compromise. Decide exactly what you want and assume you have it. If your world would change, determine what it would look like; then construct a scene which would imply you are there."

“Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact disregard all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you already are what you want to be. For in that determined assumption, you and your infinite being are merged in creative unity. And with your infinite being (God) all things are possible.”

The last one, which Wayne Dyer quotes specifically in Wishes Fulfilled, is one that I meditate on day and night and especially in those moments where I began to feel like life’s victim. It isn’t as some might conclude an invitation to ignore what is happening around me, like an ostrich with her head in the sand. It is an invitation to remain focused on my desired destination or outcome in spite of what I am seeing or experiencing. My current circumstances, problems, challenges may be real now, but reality isn’t static—it is constantly changing. Focusing on the problem only serves to keep me stuck in the problem, exactly where I don’t want to be. Maintaining laser-like focus on my aim will move me towards it.

I’ve read nearly all of Neville’s lectures, many of which you can access for free at realneville.com. (The PDFs only; the audios you'll need to buy.) In addition, I’ve purchased several of his books. Among them: Feeling is the Secret, Your Faith is Your Fortune, Power of Awareness, Awakened Imagination, Prayer: The Art of Believing, and At Your Command.

I recommend all of them with the caveat that you will 1) need to read through them multiple times to grasp the meaning of what he’s saying, yet it’s worth it, and 2) need to keep an open mind. If you think your way, or your parents’ way, or your pastor’s way of understanding scripture or the Bible is the only way it can be understood, or perhaps you aren’t Christian and not open to discussions of scripture, your mind will simply not allow you to glean from Neville’s work the valuable insight that he offers. It is my personal belief that his teachings can benefit anyone, regardless of religious affiliation or even if you don’t adhere to any.

Neville’s teachings offer the opportunity to stop playing victim and take responsibility for your life. If your life is a hot mess and you accept that you’re the one who created the mess, then that means you also have power to create something better and it doesn’t matter how the economy is doing, who gets elected president, or whether your boss is a jerk. Your “savior,” Neville would suggest, is within, not without. What could be more empowering than that?

Below are a couple of my favorite Neville Goddard videos. I sometimes listen to these as I’m going to sleep.

 Facts Have Over Flowed the World

 How Abdullah Taught the Law

Neville discusses what he learned from his mentor Abdullah, an Ethiopian Jew, about the power of imagination.

I Came Face-to-face with Two Deer in Three Weeks—Coincidence?

In three weeks, I've come face-to-face with two deer. And I do mean face-to-face as in uncomfortably close enough to nearly reach out and touch them. (I didn't!)

My first face-to-face deer encounter, July 4, 2016

The first incident occurred curiously on the 4th of July, Independence Day in the U.S. As I was walking to the Metro station from my parents' home, I saw what I thought at first was a very large dog. Stunned and uncertain what my next and safest step should be, I realized I was staring in the face of a deer! He/she seemed as stunned as me for a moment before returning to grazing on the leaves of a nearby tree branch in the park where we
encountered each other.

The second incident occurred today, exactly three weeks later. This time I was walking toward my home in a very suburban part of Maryland state and encountered another deer. Although there's a wooded area directly across from the building where I live (it's used to be someone's property for whom my street is now named), I've never seen a deer in my neighborhood. The nearest park is about a mile away.

Coincidence? Or a message from the Universe?

Seeker that I am, I needed to find out what these close encounters with deer might mean and decided to do some research on deer spirits.

Being of Native American ancestry on my mother's side, I've spent a significant amount of time throughout my life learning about their traditions and beliefs, wanting to know more about my great grandfather for whom I only have a name, but have heard many wonderful stories about.

According to Native American tradition, each individual is connected with one of nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides, also called spirit guides and/or power animals, come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey, but there is usually one animal, your totem animal, that is with you for life.¹ Sounds somewhat like the Christian concept of a guardian angel.

One expert suggests that the deer spirit is "a symbol of regeneration of life and heart energy." I like the sound of that!  The deer spirit represents one's ability "to bring gentleness and grace in every aspect of your life, even in the most challenging moments. By inspiration from the deer’s qualities, you can achieve ambitious goals and tackle difficult situation smoothly with a touch of gentleness and grace." ²

Another shares that "when a deer totem shows up in your life, a new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened." This person adds that "the deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives." ³

Well, I would absolutely consider this moment of my life to be one of my most challenging. I would very much like to get through it all with gentleness and grace, although I've been feeling more ornery and frustrated, when not curled up in the fetal position crying. In fact, I've been feeling quite a bit like someone sinking in quicksand. Yet, the more I fight to keep from sinking, the deeper in it I get. And yes, I know I should just stop fighting as that is what I've always heard one should do when in quicksand because struggling to get free only pulls you in deeper. Still, gentle soul that I can be, I am also a warrior at heart.

But I am extremely open to the possibility of a new innocence and freshness—of recapturing my childlike innocence and belief in the impossible, or rather that all things are possible. I haven't been enjoying the hopeless, cynical, angry and resentful person that stares back at me from the mirror as I grapple with feelings of being unappreciated, unloved, unsupported, unsafe, and undeserving of anything good. Admittedly aspects of my nature—my shadow self, perhaps, emerging to be embraced and healed—I do not want these feelings/aspects to overtake the whole of me as they threaten to do some days, especially since I know I created my current situation with my thoughts, choices, and actions and these darker feelings will not help me to create something better.

The something better being once-and-for-all healing old trauma, past hurts and transforming my current experience into something beautiful and uplifting. And then with childlike faith and the gentle heart that I have always had—but sometimes tried to hide for fear of being thought weak—helping the other wounded in my life to find healing.

Thank you deer spirit. Thank you for the reminder to keep a determined, yet gentle spirit in the midst of all things.

^1- http://www.legendsofamerica.com/na-totems.html
^2- http://www.spiritanimal.info/deer-spirit-animal/  
^3- http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/deer.htm

Security in Who I Am and To Whom I Belong

I am now who I have always been—a beautiful, blessed, highly-favored daughter of the Most High God, fearfully and wonderfully made in His image and likeness. Your negative opinions of me take nothing away from me. And any good opinions you may have of me, while much appreciated, are unnecessary. I am beloved of the Father and daily being transformed to look and be more like His Son—altogether lovely, radiant, and full of strength and great compassion. Herein is my peace. Herein is my security.

Butterflies Are Free

This is not the actual butterfly that I saw.

Something truly amazing happened to me today. I feel that I say that a lot in my posts, and those of you who are reading my blog may be starting to wonder if I live in the real world. Let me assure you, I do! But honestly, something extraordinary did happen to me today, and it actually began about three weeks ago.

Each day, if the weather permits, I go out around lunch to take a walk or sit on the bench in the garden near my office. About three weeks ago, as I was sitting there eating and reading, a beautiful sapphire blue, brown and gold butterfly alighted on the bench, right next to me. I see butterflies in the garden all the time, but the fact that this one just touched down right by me and hung out for a quite a bit felt like a message from God to me! I'd been having a bad day that day and was quite anxious about a few things, yet when I saw that butterfly, my entire focus and mood completely shifted. Awed by his beauty and appreciative of his company, a sense of calm and happiness came over me.

Just at the moment where I thought to reach for my phone to take a picture, he flew away. Well, for weeks I kept hoping, praying he returned because he (or she) was really quite extraordinary looking and I wanted to get another chance to take a picture. Each day, I'd go out at lunch (except when it was raining) looking and expecting to see this butterfly despite the fact that my rational mind told me he was likely thousands of miles away—I've read that some butterflies can migrate over 3,000 miles—and the chances of his reappearing were nearly zero to none. Fortunately, my inner child doesn't easily accept such odds, so she kept looking.

Today, I stepped out of the office for a break to clear my head and decided to take a walk to the garden. It was a little too cool to sit outside, so I quickly started back to the office when I saw... my butterfly! Blue, brown, gold and beautiful, flying among the flowers of which there were only a few remaining. It couldn't possibly, or could it? Just to make sure, I watched for awhile waiting for him to land on a flower, and then tip-toed over to him to get a closer look. Same size, same color and pattern. If it wasn't him, it was most certainly his twin! And even if it wasn't, I've read that sightings of blue butterflies are rare. To see two just a few weeks apart is still a miracle to me.

Extraordinarily wonderful, even seemingly impossible, things do happen... to those who expect it. What are you expecting?

It's Okay to Be You

I realize I've been strangely quiet for the past week or so, although I did promise to report back on my Glad Game experiment, but sometimes transformation requires extended moments of silence.

I don't mind much as it's usually during such moments that I happen upon another piece of my life's puzzle that brings me closer to my dreams or helps me find contentment while they still seem afar off. Today's perfect piece came in the form of a message that I had to share with my lovely readers (whoever you are):

"The more you do things to please others, the more you erode away at your own sense of worth, confidence, and sense of self. When you’re preoccupied with the expectations of others for fear of their disapproval, you’re revealing that it isn’t okay for you to be you." – Dr. Mark Chironna

I suppose such a thing seems at odds with a blog about transformation, about change. Yet in actually, it affirms what I've already come to realize—my transformation can have nothing to do with my wanting to please anyone except myself. My desire is simply to fully become all that I was created to be and to live the amazing life that I was meant to live.

An apple seed can only ever become an apple tree. And, at my core, I can only ever be me. It's okay. I've heard from the highest authority that I'm pretty fabulous—fearfully and wonderfully made, a pearl of great price, in fact. I hear that you are, too!

How to Live Happily Ever After

"Have faith in your dreams and someday,

Your rainbow will come smiling through,

No matter how your heart is grieving,

If you keep on believing,

The dream that you wish will come true."

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes from Disney's Cinderella, ©1950

I wasn't kidding about Disney. God talks to me in the most unexpected ways and through the most unexpected people sometimes. I'm recalling meeting my new dentist for the first time last October. I had what felt like the world's worst toothache and desperately needed to see a dentist, stat! Since my previous dentist was quite a distance from where I now work, so not convenient to get to and also no longer accepted by my insurance, I sought out my much trusted office manager for a referral. This woman is a real gem, a bit of curmudgeon, but a real gem. She assured me she has the perfect dentist who I'll simply love, and she was right. I was able to get an appointment right away and from the moment I stepped into his office, I knew I'd found my new dentist.

A mature man of about mid-60ish, I'd say, he was very congenial and reassuring that he'd be able to help alleviate my pain or refer me to a surgeon who could. If he had only delivered on that promise, I'd have been eternally grateful. But there was something more he offered that day—an unexpected insight into my life. "You have a very beautiful smile," I recall him saying, exactly what you want to hear from a dentist. He examined my teeth and jaw for a bit, said something about me having good  bone structure, and then, after slight pause, followed with "You have the look of a woman who has spent a lifetime trying to take care of other people." Wow! Perhaps, I should have been offended. He after all didn't know me or anything about me or my life. Yet, I wasn't offended. The beautiful smile was deceiving. I knew my heart was very heavy that day and not just because of the throbbing pain in my lower left jaw.

I was a woman at the breaking point. My parents were having significant health problems, my parents' friends were demanding answers I couldn't give, my siblings were at odds, and my neighbors were constantly bringing to my attention problems in the community that needed fixing (I serve on my Condo Association's board). Plus, my body hadn't adjusted to my missing thyroid. I felt like a car sputtering to a stop when the last bit of gas is spent, but I really wanted, needed, to "make" everything better for everyone. The dentist's words that day stirred up something in my spirit. I couldn't let them go. Days, weeks, months went by and I could still hear his words "You have the look of a woman who has spent her lifetime trying to take care of others." I pondered them again and again trying to grasp their full meaning. And finally it hit me… I need to take care of me. I need to nurture me. I need to follow my heart's desires. I need to give myself permission to live the life I dream.

At some point in my life, I had taken hold of the belief that my happiness, peace, and joy is dependent on my "making" sure other people are happy. But it isn't true. Your happiness, peace and joy results from nurturing your own soul, and is then radiated to others. The people around you will either catch your happiness vibe or want to stay out of your orbit. Either way, you're in a good place.

And so my journey began in late February to take care of me and rediscover my dreams. Some days, I find I've made great progress; others, not so much. Even now, I still struggle with the tendency to seek the permission of others to enjoy my life. And "sorry" isn't the hardest word for me; "no" is. But, I'm pushing ahead. One moment at a time.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."  - Walt Disney

Taking Refuge In His Wings

"He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler."

- Psalm 91:4

My spirit is always full of joy, hope and peace, even when my heart is overwhelmed or cast down within me. God already knew this about me. So now do I.

I've been reminiscing today about Easter Sunday's service. The church that I attend held this year's service at a local hotel to accommodate the C&E attenders (the people you only see at Christmas and Easter), as well as a live radio broadcast. The service was lovely and exactly what I needed—albeit a bit unusual since it had to be restructured for the radio broadcast. But as in all matters of faith, you learn to flow with it.

The choir decided to break out some new songs, two of which really touched my heart. If you've never heard of Lydia Stanley's "Shadow of Your Wings," I highly recommend it. I'll even help you: View live performance

I cannot begin to describe the intensity of emotions that I felt as this song resonated in my spirit. It was as if God was using it to heal every wound and remove every fear in me. It has become my meditation day and night. I fall asleep listening to it and wake up with it on my lips. The other night I had it playing while trying to do my laundry and was so completely overtaken by God's presence I couldn't do anything but worship Him. Afterwards, I felt energy that I hadn't felt in months.

The cares of this world are many, and oftentimes they scream at me, at all of us, for attention. When the pressures of life build—responsibilities at work, caring for my parents, doing chores, helping friends and assorted neighbors, or even attending to church affairs—Jesus is my refuge. And when life feels like a breeze, I can still rest in Him. He reminded me this week how very restoring to my soul and body that can be.

What was the other song? "Our God is Awesome." I haven't found the version that was sung on Easter and only sermons are recorded for Sunday services. I'll keep looking and keep you posted.

Beautiful Vessels Made By Love

"All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us"

You Make Beautiful Things by Gungor
© Worshiptogether.com Songs

Last night I was reading a story about a woman who was miraculously healed of breast cancer. I admired her courage in sharing her story. Not only of her cancer and healing, but of her other life experiences in the years before, which were eerily similar to my own. She shared how God's grace and love had not only healed her deepest wounds and removed the associated shame, but also transformed her. Once afraid to trust her heart to anyone, including God, she is now happily married and ministers to other women about God's power to heal—body, soul and spirit.

As I began to reflect on my own life and all the things I've overcome (which I'm on the brink of sharing, not just there yet), the fact that I'm still here and not crazy (depending on who you ask) is all the evidence I need that God's grace is truly all over me.

And the fact that He could—and would—take someone like me and transform her into a vessel for His purpose is evidence of His abundant love. But that is what God does. He did it for Joseph, a Hebrew slave; for Moses, a murderer; for Rahab, a prostitute; for Ruth, an impoverished outsider; for David, a mere shepherd boy; for Peter, an overly-emotional fisherman; for Mary, a woman possessed by demons; for Paul, a persecutor of His church; and so very many more.

Out of the dust of the earth, God creates vessels of honor and beauty. It was so from the beginning and He is still doing it today.

"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." - Genesis 2:7

And the Lessons Continue

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

- Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

March must be the month of learning for me. Well, every month, every day in fact, is an opportunity for me to learn something. Tonight I learned that walking by faith is a minute-by-minute choice. And there are some minutes when things can get a bit hairy.

Without revealing too much detail about my sisters who read (or I at least hope read) my blog, I'll share the basics of lesson-filled evening. While I was meditating, I received a phone call from my older sister asking if I had heard from the younger one. I hadn't, which isn't that unusual—we're over 21; we're over 31 even (and I'll stop there)—so we don't feel the need to check in with each other everyday. Well, my older sister was extremely concerned as several phone calls to the younger one had gone unanswered and unreturned, and it was getting pretty late.

My first instinct… I'm sure she's okay. She's either turned her phone off, or the battery has run down, or she's not somewhere she can immediately answer it. There are any number of reasonable explanations. Right? Absolutely! I offer to call her house phone to double check. She doesn't answer. Now, here's where my faith test began.

I decide to just drive by her house—we practically live next door. I do this partly because I'm a bit concerned and partly because I want to ease my older sister's fears by personally confirming the younger one is safe. She isn't home. Not a huge deal, yet. It is very late, but she is over 21.

Enter the parents, who insisted that my younger sister had left their house very early evening and was headed straight home. My older sister is pretty frantic; I can feel my heart in my throat. One minute I'm certain she's just hanging out (it was a nice evening for it), the next… "Let not your heart be troubled. Let not your heart be troubled. Let not your heart…"

What to do? What. To. Do. Police? They need 24 hours. Hospitals? Okay, but which ones. From woman of faith to overprotective and anxious big sister mode in 60 seconds? "Let not your heart… Let not your heart… Let not…." I leave her a note: Call when you get in.

Adding fuel to my anxiety were three back-to-back phone calls I received around 7ish on my home phone (which almost no one calls except telemarketers, mis-dialers and people I generally don't want to talk to anyway). With Caller ID broken and voice mail full, I have no idea who the calls came from and my mind begins to go places it really shouldn't. And why didn't I just answer the phone, you ask. Because I was (a) in the middle of something and (b) see what's written in the parenthesis above.

My older sister calls back; my parents call, multiple times. Have I tracked her down yet? "Not yet," trying to stay calm. "Let not your heart…" "Let not…" Could you go over there? "Okay." No need to mention I've already done this. "I'm sure she's okay. Her angel is on guard."

To my sister's house I go, again. Before I can even knock on the door, she opens it just a bit exasperated. (No, she isn't psychic—the motion sensor called me out.) Seems she did get all the phone calls from my sister, from me and even from my parents. I am immensely happy and relieved to see her, albeit deeply embarrassed. I give her a hug and apologize profusely. I maybe even promised her dinner for showing up at her front door unannounced in the middle of the night. We talk for a bit; I head home.

"Let not your heart be troubled." "Let not your heart be troubled.'' "Let not…" The learning continues. So does the transformation—minute by minute by minute by minute.

I really should get a new house phone with a functioning Caller ID.

More Things I'm Learning

Sometimes pain is just evidence that the body is healing itself, not an indication of something gone terribly wrong.

Intellectual reason is both an asset and a liability.

People can do and say all manner of unkind things, but my reaction is my choice.

Trusting solely on my senses is unwise as things are seldom as they appear.

It's very easy to complain about what others aren't doing to fix a problem, but stepping up and doing something about it yourself takes daring.

It's okay to believe in the impossible—it's what separates ordinary people from those who achieve greatness.

Contentment is good, but never settle for status quo.

Everyone was created for a unique purpose. You'll miss yours trying to be like someone else.

All of God's promises are "yes" and "amen," but sometimes I need to wait while He aligns all the details.

My gifts and talents are connected to my destiny—for those He calls, He has also equipped.

Facts are always changing. Truth never does.

I'm Learning

I'm learning that fearful thoughts will come, but I don't have to dwell on them. Anxieties and worries will arise, but I don't have to give heed to them. And my emotions will sometimes be intense, but they don't have to rule my behavior.